TimeWaster

My New Worst Enemy

So, Saturday Night Live premiered a few weeks ago.  This season, they have a new cast member named Bobby Moynihan...

Bobby did a sketch on either the first or second show where he played a waiter in a Pizzeria Uno.  Now, this sketch wasn't great but it wasn't the worst thing in the world.  But here's the problem...

I had a nightmare about that sketch.

Maybe "nightmare" is a strong word.  Here's how the dream happened:  I was in someone's apartment, and Bobby Moynihan was there.  We got into a heated argument about something, and he started to beat the shit out of me for not loving the Pizzeria Uno sketch.  

After we fougth, we apologized and made up and swore to become best friends.  And then I left the apartment, scared that Bobby was going to beat me up again when I least expected it.

Okay, so I realize this is a weird dream and it probably means I want to marry him some day.  But the problem is, every time I see him on Saturday Night Live now, there's honestly a part of me that starts to get a little scared.  And then I have to remind myself that it was just a dream - that Bobby Moynihan is not going to come after me and try to beat me up.  But by that point, I'm already shaken to the core.

So I've decided - the only way for me to resolve this is to actually find Bobby Moynihan, tell him about this, and we'll both have a good laugh about it.

And then I'll kick his ass.  Just to prove to myself I can do it.

I Get It - I'll Take the Test!!!

I don't know what it is about the TV shows I'm watching, but I don't think I can go 5 minutes without seeing an ad urging me to get the HPV test along with my pap.  I promise I would get the test if I had a pap coming up, but I don't.  Can we cool it on the pap talk?  

I really hate that ad.  

When Did The Nerds Get Dumb?

Pizza Hut and their "Pizza Mia" ads continue to rub salt in an open wound in my mind, and I don't like it one bit.

 

If you haven't seen it, I'll break it down quick for you - there's some nerdy nebbish guy giving a presentation to his colleagues at Pizza Hut, Inc where he's trying to describe his new "Pizza Hut Pizza Mia Pizza Matrix".  And it's an overlay over a calendar that blacks out days when pizzas aren't on sale or whatever.

Then the hunky, dreamy guy that I like to call "Chip" steps up, totally ridicules this guy's Pizza Matrix, rips it down and just says "Why not Pizza Mias for $5 every day?"  He does everything short of spitting in this dude's face.

Now, besides not knowing what the F a Pizza Mia is, the thing I hate about this ad is the fact that they take the nerdy, nebbishy guy who clearly put a lot of time and energy into making his "matrix" and they turn him into a moron!  Shouldn't this guy be the one with all the answers?  He's a nerd!  He has nothing better to do than think of cheap ways to sell pizzas!!!  Why is the hunky dreamy guy in this ad the know-it-all?  

In movies, this is well trodden ground.  Geeks are the smart ones and the good looking dudes are the dopes.  Classic "greeks vs. geeks" conventions set up by movies like Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House.  

And honestly - what the hell is a Pizza Mia???

What Choo Talkin' Bout, Oscar?

There are few things in life better than the "Diff'rent Strokes" reruns on BET from noon to one.

A lot of the fun of watching these episodes is remembering what was going through my head when I first saw these shows when they originally aired. For instance, the episode that's on right now - Mr. Drummond donated $100,000 to a local charity. So what does he get in return for his good deed? A phone call from a sniper across the street from his penthouse apartment, claiming he'll shoot one of the Drummond clan if he doesn't pay some sort of extortion fee.

I still remember watching this as a kid and thinking "Holy shit these guys are fucked." Yeah, I wasn't the brightest kid.

Something that I don't feel like has been properly addressed with regards to Diff'rent Strokes is - what was Mr. Drummond doing to all his house keepers!?! I mean, Arnold and Willis were the kids of his long time house keeper until she died (which is why he brought them in to live with them). Then he had Mrs. Garrett, who obviously bolted to run some all-girl's school and later Edna's Edibles.

Then there was Adalaide, the old cute sassy housekeeper. And with no explanation, she was gone and Pearl showed up.

Just what the hell was Mr. Drummond doing to all his housekeepers? I like to imagine a Rob Lowe situation going on here.

But my favorite has to be the episode that aired before this one. An episode I fondly recall, and occasionally - when the moment presents itself - still use a line from. It's an episode where Mr. Drummond's Swedish cousin comes to town with her son. In true 80's sitcom fashion, the Swedish cousin was played by Conrad Bain in drag, and the son was played by Dano Plato (also in drag as a guy).

Two great revelations about this episode -

1) Not even the canned laughter or studio audience thought the line I've been using for 20 odd years was really that funny. Consider that joke dropped from the repertoire.

and, more surprisingly:

2) The episode, with the lamest plotline in history, was written by Paul Haggis. Yes, the 2 time Academy Award winning writer of "Million Dollar Baby" and "Crash".

I guess the lesson here is - never give up.

Fantastic Sam's: Evil Incarnate

There's a new name in terror, and it's Fantastic Sam's.

It starts off with a basic enough idea. A woman walks in to a Fantasic Sam's - I've been referring to her as "Jennifer". So Jennifer needs a new 'do because Jen's got a job interview in a couple days. Simple premise, one we can all relate to. Hell, some of us might be going through the same transitional period in our lives as Jen. She's the every-woman.

Anyhow, Jennifer asks for a haircut, and all the barber chairs spin around revealing - FIVE CLONES OF JENNIFER, all with different hair styles!

Jennifer carefully inspects her clones and stops on one who's hair she likes. As Jenny says something along the lines of "that's a good look," that particular clone gets up and starts out! And as she's leaving, in what I consider a fit of desperation, Jennifer calls after her clone and says something along the lines of "Will you be ready for the interview?" Without missing a step, Jen-Clone smirks, doesn't look back, and snarls something sinister like "That job is MINE!"

The ad ends with Jennifer stranded in this clone factory, with Jen-Clone out in the real world assuming Jennifer's identity, about to fuck all sorts of shit up!

And you know the clone makers at Fantastic Sam's are going to immediately kill Jennifer, because come on - they don't want her talking! And believe me, death is probably her best option at this point. Think about it - when was the last time you had a hair cut, then changed it, and then months later thought "Nah, I liked that boring old haircut just fine!" There's no call for the original Jennifer anymore. She's probably gonna be locked away in some sort of holding cell, forced to subside off of rat's meat and her own urine.

This ad is the perfect, 30 second "Twilight Zone" that never aired.

I-Think-I-Know-That-Guy Apprentice

I know I'm not fooling anyone by saying some of the contestants on "Celebrity Apprentice" are neither celebrities nor apprenti. However, the hardest pill for me to swallow in this farce is the description of contestant Jenny Finch as "one of America's best-known female athlete."

Is this a bigger insult to a show calling itself "Celebrity Apprentice" or the state of female athletics in America?

Or am I just a small minority of American who didn't realize Jenny Finch won a gold medal in the 2004 Olympics on the softball team? Am I also alone in not really knowing there was an olympic category for softball?

Also, what the hell has happened to Gene Simmons' hair? His hair looks like a steel wool recreation of the top half of Darth Vader's helmet.

I clearly have way too much free time.

Celebrity Fit Club

I'm at LAX and I'm stopped by someone complimenting me on my hat. As I spin around to see who it is, I realize it's the bald drill sergeant from "Celebrity Fit Club". Very nice guy, but for some reason I totally blank on his name. I want to call him "Harvey Levin", but obviously that's not right.

He was also with a woman whose name I can't place, and who I think was on the show as a contestant, but I'm not sure. I chalk all this up to the fact that my birthday was 2 weeks ago and I'm getting old and I'm starting to get a version of Alzheimer's that only effects my knowledge of D-list celebrities.

Commercials I Do Not Get, part 2

There's a car insurance ad that's all about how quick and easy they are to deal with in case there's an accident. You know the one - it starts off with a woman walking into the insurance place holding her kid. She whispers to the guy working there "I backed into a pole and she didn't wake up".

Now, is it just me or does this sound like the kid has suffered a major concussion? The child is unconscious the entire ad. She never wakes up! This kid is in serious trouble!!!

Commercials I Do Not Get, part 1

I understand that commercials are not really meant to be 30 second movies or TV shows (unless they star hilarously misunderstood Cavemen). But that doesn't make the commercial writers/directors/idea men less accountable for some of the dumber things in the ads. I'm rambling.

I'm rambling. Let me give you an example - there's an ad for Wendy's lampooning presidential debates when someone in the crew interrupts with a "rant" about why should Americans be forced to have just fries with their fast food meals.

Here's what I don't get - he begins his rant with a line that's basically "I can choose which celebrity's nose I want, but not what side order I want with my burger?"

What the hell are they talking about? Who's choosing celebrity noses? This makes zero sense.

Also, there's an ad for the motorized wheelchair called the "Hover-Round." The ad is hosted by the creator of the Hover-Round, Tom Kruse. That last name is pronounced "Cruise". Why he doesn't go by "Thomas" is beyond me. Is he thinking that old people with poor vision will hear that Tom Cruise invented the Hover-Round and want to buy it?

And why, if the guy's last name is freakin' KRUSE, is this thing not called the "Kruse-Around"???

Celebrity Jam Packed Superstar Tuesday**

**Note - Celebrity Superstar status not guaranteed

It's days like today that reaffirm that I live in the right ventricle of the heart of Tinseltown.

As I strolled to my usual lunch hangout, who do I see taking her seat? None other than Daisy Duke herself CATHERINE BACH!

Then I do so much as turn my head to the right, and who's sitting there? Why, it's star of "John Tucker Must Die" and "American Dreams" - BRITTANY SNOW!

Whew, pretty exhausting right? Not done yet. Not even close.

As I'm sauntering to my car, who's parked in the spot right in front of me? Oh, just Hollywood power couple MATTHEW JOHN ARMSTRONG and ASHLEY CROW! In case you're not "hip" or "cool" or "in the know", Matthew John Armstrong is the actor that looks suspiciously like one of those Geico Cavemen and played "Ted" the nuclear man on "Heroes". Ashley Crow is his wife, and she plays Claire the cheerleader's mother on "Heroes." They were both on "American Dreams" as well, so it was a real Battle of the Network Stars "Heroes"/"American Dreams" mash up.

And yes, I'm probably as shocked as you to know those two are married.

I only wish I had my camera - I know TMZ would pay top dollar for pictures of any one of those megawatt bulbs.