Decision '08

I screwed up royally when I passed up the chance to run against Arnold Schwarzeneggerin the govenor's race a couple years ago.

So to make things right, I'm gonna run against him. The first thing I need to do is figure out when the next gubernatorial race is. Then I gotta put up signs and stuff.

And I'm going to run on platforms that are important to people. Really important. Such as:

1) No talking in the movie theater. This bugs the living hell out of me. A quiet whisper here and there is okay, but come on with the talking everyone. I swear there are times I honestly think I'm going to start trading blows with people because they won't shut up. If elected, I will make it legal to start punching people who talk in theaters. No "Will you please keep it down?" Sucker punches all the way.

2) Much like there's the MPAA to rate movies, there will be a ratings board for commercials with annoying jingles. The board will hear a commercial jingle and rule on how many times a day it get played.

If you've ever heard that jingle for the furniture place that ends with "The only cheaper way is to import it yourself - and you don't know how!" you know exactly what I'm talking about. I have no problems with advertising, but annoying jingles like that got to go. I don't even know what it's an ad for! I just can't stop singing that annoying jingle.

3) Beer will be sold to the very end of sporting events. It's just that simple - there's no reason beer can't be sold till the end of whatever game you're watching. If I go to Acapulco's or Yankee Doodles (just for example), do they cut me off at the 7th inning? Why does Dodger Stadium do the same?

I don't understand this at all - is it that they think people are going to get drunk and crash into each other on their way out? Believe me, if you've ever been to Dodger Stadium, you're not getting out of the parking lot for at least an hour after the end of the game/concert/whatever. And if you've been drinking, good luck even finding your car.

4) I'm sure this has been covered before, but as governor I will enact this in a law - any actress playing a stripper in a movie will be required to have at least 2 fully nude scenes in the film. No exceptions.

5) Credit cards will not be accepted for any purchase under $10. If you don't have $10 on you, go to an ATM. Subsequently, no one will be allowed to buy groceries with a check.

I know that there are people out there thinking "No one does this - no one charges anything under ten bucks, or still holds up the line by paying for groceries with checks! That's absurdity!"

And yet, every single time I'm at the grocery store, someone pulls out the check book. Now, if elected, this will be a two-tiered offense. Yes there will be mandatory jail time for paying with a check. BUT - if you sit there like a vegetable and wait till the groceries are all tallied up to start filling out the check, then I'm sorry, it's jail time with no chance of parole.

That's just a taste of what's in store once elected. I'm sure I'll come up with some more before election time rolls around - but what do you think? What am I forgetting?