TimeWaster

I Get It - I'll Take the Test!!!

I don't know what it is about the TV shows I'm watching, but I don't think I can go 5 minutes without seeing an ad urging me to get the HPV test along with my pap.  I promise I would get the test if I had a pap coming up, but I don't.  Can we cool it on the pap talk?  

I really hate that ad.  

Shake, Rattle, and Whatever

I know everyone in Souther California is all abuzz about the earthquake from yesterday, but here's the thing - I'm like the one person in all of Los Angeles that didn't actually feel it!

I'm like some kind of super....powered...man.

 

Can You Break A Looney Tunes' Back?

Flipping through the cable guide, I came across the description for "Looney Tunes:  Back In Action".  For some reason, the write-up makes it sound a tad more...mature than I remembered it:

  "Bugs Bunny tries to find Daffy Duck after the latter loses his job and travels to Las Vegas with a man."

Sounds like "Grapes of Wrath" meets "Far From Heaven".  And I seriously doubt that's how they pitched it, but if they did - wow.  Greatest pitch of all time.

Ad Nauseum

I spend a lot of time complaining about TV commercials, but seriously folks - there's an epidemic on our hands here.

There are not one but TWO (yep, I capitalized it) brands advertising their product with the old Folgers "we've replaced the normal food these people eat with our crappy processed junk and they'll never know" idea.

The first one is Carl's Jr. where unsuspecting morons are absolutely thrilled to learn that their dinners weren't real meals, but rather fast food served to them on fancy plates.  I really don't get those ads - diners eat a hamburger, then a fat dude in a chef's outfit comes out to tell them they're eating junk food, and the people burst into applause.  There's even one where the guy's told he didn't really eat a fancy hamburger, but rather a $6 burger from Carl's Jr, and he pumps his fists in the air and screams "YES!!!"  Why is this guy so happy?   Did he think that hamburger cost $900 and now he's off the hook?  

The other brand pulling the ol' switcheroo is Pizza Hut, who have taken the exact same set up but instead are serving pasta and then telling people that it's not fancy pasta they're eating, it's Pizza Hut pasta.  And one yay-hoo actually says at the end of the ad "I actually like it more knowing it's from Pizza Hut!"  That's a guy I want to meet and punch repeatedly in the face, stopping only briefly to take bites from highly expensive pastas.

The only thing that would make me happier is to know that the same ad agency makes both commercials, and that they pulled off the biggest scam in ad history.  

But not everything's all piss and vinegar.  One ad I love and I really don't know why is the ad for Universal Studios, where we see people standing on the side of the road holding cardboard signs for the Unviersal rides.  I'm not sure what it is, but I think a big part of it is the lazy, carefree acoustic jam in the background that sets the perfect tone.  Or maybe it's the fact that all the people standing on the side of the road trying to hitch rides to Universal Studios Hollywood are already IN Los Angeles, and I just laugh thinking "man, those poor souls got this far and for some reason couldn't make the last half-mile trek."  

When Did The Nerds Get Dumb?

Pizza Hut and their "Pizza Mia" ads continue to rub salt in an open wound in my mind, and I don't like it one bit.

 

If you haven't seen it, I'll break it down quick for you - there's some nerdy nebbish guy giving a presentation to his colleagues at Pizza Hut, Inc where he's trying to describe his new "Pizza Hut Pizza Mia Pizza Matrix".  And it's an overlay over a calendar that blacks out days when pizzas aren't on sale or whatever.

Then the hunky, dreamy guy that I like to call "Chip" steps up, totally ridicules this guy's Pizza Matrix, rips it down and just says "Why not Pizza Mias for $5 every day?"  He does everything short of spitting in this dude's face.

Now, besides not knowing what the F a Pizza Mia is, the thing I hate about this ad is the fact that they take the nerdy, nebbishy guy who clearly put a lot of time and energy into making his "matrix" and they turn him into a moron!  Shouldn't this guy be the one with all the answers?  He's a nerd!  He has nothing better to do than think of cheap ways to sell pizzas!!!  Why is the hunky dreamy guy in this ad the know-it-all?  

In movies, this is well trodden ground.  Geeks are the smart ones and the good looking dudes are the dopes.  Classic "greeks vs. geeks" conventions set up by movies like Revenge of the Nerds and Animal House.  

And honestly - what the hell is a Pizza Mia???

Time To Get A Freakin' Dog

Okay, there's a couple that live out somewhere in Southern California that had a monkey as a pet.  Now, as every 10 year old can attest, having a monkey as a pet is pretty cool.  And no, this wasn't a helper monkey.  

So then one day the monkey got out of his cage and ran through the neighborhood like, well...a wild animal.  And it attacked some people in the neighborhood and some of the cops that tried to subdue it.  Thankfully no one was seriously hurt.

Now, when you hear that snippet of the story, you (like myself) might think, "Well, that's the end of this story of two adults raising a chimp like they're a couple of adolescents."   But you would be wrong.

After the debacle with the chimp's neighborhood rampage, the family went to court with the city.  The final ruling was that the couple had to find an animal friendly refuge for their chimp.  The monkey was taken into the custody of the state, and someone who's paid by my taxes had to drive all over the southland looking for some place for this chimp to live.  Apparently the word "zoo" never once came up.

Okay, again - you're like me and you're thinking "Well, this is the end of the story about the family that owned a chimp and acted like they'd never set foot on planet earth and didn't realize this was a bad idea."  But it's not.

The state worker who's job it was to find suitable lodging for this chimp took a long-assed time to find a suitable home for Moe (the name of the chimp).  I'm talking like 2 years here.  And all that time, Mo was held at another animal refuge where Moe's owners would go visit it.

So then on Moe's birthday about a year or two ago, Mo's owners went to visit him at his temporary digs.  And while they were there looking for Moe, the man who owns Moe got attacked.  By 4 other monkeys!

The monkeys went to town on this guy.  They bit off some of his fingers.  They bit off his nose.  Most of his upper lip.  One of his eyes was either bitten out or gouged out.  And yes, the monkeys attacked this guy's genitals, too.  

So the owners of Moe sued the city, because apparently it's the city's fault that Mo was taken to a temporary animal habitat and the city hadn't found adequate lodging for this monkey.  Because this couple cared so much about their monkey, but I guess they couldn't be bothered to find a suitable home for it in all that time.

Okay, now you're thinking "Jeez, this guy's completely brutalized by these monkeys - I guess that's the end of this story, right?  Please?"

Well no.  

Now this guy's on the news because Moe escaped from the sanctuary and has disappeared into God-knows-where.  And he's pleading with everyone to find Moe and bring him back, because apparently Moe is "frightened out there all alone."

I'm gonna guess that, living in a sanctuary with monkeys that'll bite off human faces and more, that Moe's probably better off living under a freeway.  

Evil Spam

Got a spam e-mail in my bulk folder today.  Normally, their subject headlines are usually pretty disgusting and my first thought is always "Who in their right mind would open this?"  My second thought is generally "And how the hell did I get on this mailing list???"

But the one I got today...it just...well, decide for yourself:

"Tim Russert's Sex Scandal Exposed At His Funeral"

Seriously, right?  Who's opening an e-mail that says THAT?  And how in the hell did I get on that mailing list?

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor, pt. 2

Had a doctor's appointment today (a different doctor than the previous TYDWTHFYD post).  And after some random chit-chat, the doctor asked me - "Oh, so did you just turn 50?"

Me - "Uh, no.  I'm 34."

Never good.

I feel like it is someone - not mine - but someone's duty to catalogue every single commercial, movie trailer, and non-Katrina & the Waves related appearance of the song "Walkin' On Sunshine".  Is this thing public domain now, is that why I'm hearing it everywhere?

I demand this list be published, as well as the dollar amount Katrina and her Waves made per appearance.

It's also probably the biggest letdown between and video.  If you ever see the video, it's totally not what you'd expect from that song.  

Dogs and Plasma

I've always heard that dogs can't see what's on television.  That they can tell maybe there's some lights or some glowing from a TV set, but other than that, they can't actually make out what's on it.

But I think it's time to re-evaluate this in light of plasma screen TV's.  The majority of my day is spent on my couch, with the TV on, and my dog at my side.  And every single time there's another dog on the TV screen, my dog goes nuts.

And it's hysterical.

He runs over to the screen, growls at it, jumps up and stands along the TV stand and barks like crazy.  And when the dogs go away, he races around the house looking for where the dogs went.  

The other great thing now is that he's recognized sounds from ads featuring dogs.  So even if he's not around and there's an ad with a dog on TV, he'll start growling and running in from out of the room.