TimeWaster

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Doctor, pt. 2

Had a doctor's appointment today (a different doctor than the previous TYDWTHFYD post).  And after some random chit-chat, the doctor asked me - "Oh, so did you just turn 50?"

Me - "Uh, no.  I'm 34."

Never good.

I Know It When I See It

Not quite sure what the exact definition of "irony" is, and I'm way too lazy to look it up right now. But I have a feeling this falls under the category of "ironic" -

There is an organization called the "Gerontology Research Group" that studies "extreme ages". Basically, people that live to be over 110 years old. Ironic part?

It's based out of Inglewood, California.

That's like having a company that studies igloos base themselves in the Mojave Desert.

Never A Good Sign

When you go to the doctor's, and he walks in, takes a look at you, takes a look at your chart and says "Okay, so - you are 44 years old..."

And you have to correct him and say "Uh, I'm actually 34."

Ouch.

Kicking Out the Jams

It's glaringly obvious to me that I need to get into shape. But before I can do that, I need to pick the absolute perfect workout mix to get me in the mood for working out.

So, in the tradition of those Celebrity Playlists on iTunes, I'm sharing with you my still incomplete mix I am going to listen to as I work out. You may notice that many, if not all, of these songs are from movies. What can I say - I'm lame like that.

1) "Eye Of The Tiger" - Survivor: This has to go first. Makes me feel like I can get on that treadmill for 30-40 minutes, lift massive barbells, or beat up black guys with mowhawks.

2) "Live To Win" - Paul Stanley: This is actually not from any movie, but was on the Warcraft episode of "South Park". Although I had this on my iPod long before "South Park" made it cool, this song is actually fairly recent but sounds like it should be over the credits of "Iron Eagle 2" or "Firefox 4" or some equally crappy anti-commie movie. It would probably star C. Thomas Howell. Maybe instead of working out, I'll make that movie.

3) "Heat of the Moment" - Asia: A song that's been used in a billion movies, but I don't think ever in a training sequence or anything. Although when doing something mindless like working out, this is the perfect four minute distraction to try and remember every movie I've heard this song in.

4) "Mind Over Matter" - E.G. Daily: A quintessential 80's song that I can never get enough of. It was used in "Summer School" over the scene at the end where the kids are taking the final exam. The lyrics are amazing - "We're doing what can't be done/There's a battle that can't be won/We never let dreams die young!"

5) "Burning Heart" - Survivor: Song 2 out of 3 from Rocky movies. And why not? This one's a grittier sound from the boys of Survivor, plus it really REALLY spells out the anti-commie hatred. My Russian neighbors better turn tail and run when they see me on the elliptical, headband on, face paint smudged with sweat. Amazing sample lyric - "There's a quest for answers and a quench of the thirst/In the darkest night RISING LIKE A SPIDER..." I swear to God I have no idea what that means, but it's followed with the chorus, and then - "In the warrior's code, there's no surrender!" Jesus, I'm not sure, but this song must've been written by vikings.

6) "Hearts On Fire" - John Cafferty: Song 3 of 3 from Rocky movies. This song has the greatest opening eight seconds of any song on the planet. Unfortunately, right at the 9 second mark, all fucking hell breaks loose and the song turns into the perfect shit storm of 80's synthesized cheese. You can almost hear Dirk Diggler and Chest Rockwell rubbing John Cafferty's shoulders in the recording booth saying "I think the vocals are taking away from the synthesizers. Can we bring those up? Oh, and add can you add in some background music from the video game Castlevania?" This song pumps you up because you want it to get back to the greatness of those opening 8 seconds And guess what? Around the 2 minute mark, it does!

And then at 2:18, everything goes back downhill.

7) "Hot Love" - Twisted Sister: This is the point in working out where I'm running out of juice and I need to slow things down. What a better way than with the dulcet tones of Dee Snyder? I have no idea if this song was ever used in a TV show or movie, but again, it feels like the perfect end credits song for some T&A romp that would've starred that guy who played Nick on "Family Ties". Maybe he would've had some super power that took down those bastards at Beta House.

8) "I Still Believe" - Tim Cappello: From "The Lost Boys". The song starts out slow, lulling you into a false sense of security. But then, when you least expect it, Tim Cappello blasts out with - "I've been in a cave/For 40 days/Only a spark/To light my way. I wanna give out/Wanna give in/This is our crime - this is our sin!"

How can you quit on a guy like that? He's been in some kinda creep-cave for over a month? And I can't keep my fat ass on the treadmill? I make Tim Cappello sick. He is coming over here and he's gonna punch his fist through my chest. There's honestly not one line in this song that won't make you feel like you're a total wuss.

That playlist is a little over 38 minutes, which is a pretty good workout time. Now phase 2 - actually getting up off the couch and doing this.