Flipping through the cable guide, I came across the description for "Looney Tunes: Back In Action". For some reason, the write-up makes it sound a tad more...mature than I remembered it:
Tonight I went to a special sneak preview of "30 Days of Night" that included a Q&A session with the writers afterwards.
Now, I must get this off my chest first and foremost - at what point did people start forgetting that when they go to a movie, they are not 1) in their living room or 2) surrounded by the type of person who hinges on every single word they have to say.
I really should get over this, but it bugs the hell out of me to no end when the lights go down in a movie theater and people in the audience take this to mean Bud Freidman is waving them onstage at the Improv. Here's a news flash - no one gives a shit about what you have to say. Chances are, 99% of what comes out of your mouth is not interesting or funny or relevant as the movie starts. Save it for your ride home or your rant to Aint It Cool News.
Okay, so people talking in theaters is old news. Tonight I was privvy to a new form of annoying behavior.
During the Q&A session after the film, the audience was given the chance to express themselves and ask questions. Now, this is America and you're allowed the freedom of speech and the right to your opinion, but there's also a corallary to the Bill of Rights, a little known footnote known as "The Common Decency Principal".
Here's what I'm talking about -
In the film, there's an beat that's in most of the TV ads. It's a shot where a vampire places his large pointy fingernail on a spinning record, and the record begins to play music. Does it make any logical sense that a vampire's fingernail can play records? No. Is it kind of a cool, creepy image? Sure, why not.
So during the Q&A, someone raised their hand and asked "So who's idea was it to do the record player moment, and why were they allowed to keep that in the film?"
The writers were, understandably, stunned. I couldn't believe how this guy thought he was so right about his hatred for this one minor moment in the movie that the rest of the world just had to agree with him. To their credit, the writers were very diplomatic and even went so far as to say "You know what, that image is a big part of the advertising, so some people out there must like it." My answer wouldn't have been so diplomatic - it probably would've just taken the form of my middle finger stuck in their face or my bare ass pressed against his head.
There were a few other questions similar in tone to that one, such as "All the vampires bite people and drink their blood in this movie. Why didn't you guys come up with different ways for them to do this?"
That question disturbed me on a couple different levels. Was this guy sitting there thinking to himself "Oh man, how many times is that vampire gonna bite people? When's he gonna get a gun, and then shoot a guy and then pull out a crazy straw and stick it in the bullet hole and drink the blood that way?"
I don't know. Maybe I'm just becoming a cranky old man. Or maybe, just maybe I've been raised to actually be polite. Maybe I just need to live in one of those Bio-Domes. As long as they don't have the movie "Bio-Dome" in it.
Work's too hard. That's why I'm gonna chuck everything and become an actor.
But not just any actor. I want to specialize in certain parts. Here is the breakdown of what I'm aiming for:
PART #1 - it's a horror movie or science fiction film. Lots of people have been killed/mutilated in totally bizarre ways. And then the main character - played by an actor much more talented than me - steps into frame and says "I think this is the work of..." and says the name of the mythical killer/mutant creature that has done all the carnage.
And that's when I step up to the lead and say - "Wait a second - you seriously expect us to believe that? You're crazy!" And then as I shake my head and say "Come on, we're getting out of here!", I'm horribly slaughtered by the bad guy just to prove the lead actor was right all along.
I'm going to start doing this in real life to prepare. If you know me, prepare for a lot of "Wait a minute, are you telling me you wanted to try on a pair of SHOES at Nordstroms?" Or "Wait just a second - you can't honestly expect me to believe TACOS are on the menu???" Hopefully in real life, these lines won't be followed by me getting needlessly slaughtered.
On to...
PART #2 - Let me set the scene - it's a high tech espionage thriller. It's close to the end of the film, and everyone thinks the threat has been neutralized. As everyone celebrates and hugs, the camera CUTS TO...
Me, still sitting in front of my computer. With a confused look on my face, I call out - "Uh, guys...I think I got something here you should see!!!" At that point, more experienced actors can take over and save the day. I'll be just off camera, enjoying free bagels at the craft service table.
PART # 3 - Now imagine a romantic comedy. It's the scene where the two leads are having a great date and the lead actor - again, not me - decides to do some sweeping grand gesture. But to do that, he needs a certain prop that he doesn't have readily available. But then the lead looks up to find...
Me, walking towards him with whatever he needs. Lead actor grabs my item, to which I reply "Hey, what are you...!?!" But it's too late. Lead actor is already wooing the chick, and I've lost any legal right to reclaim my personal property.
It's high time all these roles had a unifying face. Why not make it my beautiful shining mug?
There's something sorely missing from big Hollywood movies these days, and it's not full frontal nudity.
What we need are more closing-credit theme songs that literally explain the plot of the movie you've just seen. This happened about once a week in the 80's. It's no coincidence this time period was known as the Golden Age of Cinema.
And really, every time I see a soundtrack album that says "Music from and inspired by..." I want to puke. This is ridiculous - inspired by? Are you kidding me? I don't want inspired by. I want literal line-for-line recreations of plot, character arcs, and maybe even a sound effect thrown in for good measure.
Case in point - "Dream Warriors" by Dokken. Imagine you've just sat through an hour and a half of "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors." Good has triumphed over evil. Freddy Krueger has been laid to rest. Heather Langenkamp has been written out of the series (that is, until "Wes Craven's New Nightmare"). The lights are coming up, and what do you hear?
"We're the dream warriors - Ain't gonna dream no more! We're the dream warriors, and maybe tonight - maybe TONIGHT you'll be gone!!!"
Ah yes. It's like you're living the same wonderful dream, only through verse.
Example #2 - you're applauding the wonderous merriment of "Ghostbusters 2". You lean over to your date and say "I can't believe they did it again!" What are your ears treated to? None other than the in-your-face-take-no-prisoners stylings of Bobby Brown and "On Our Own". Sample lyric -
"Had 'em throwin' parties for a bunch of children while all the while slime was under the buildin'. So that packed up their group, got a grip, came equiped, threw their proton packs on their backs and they split!!!"
I could literally go on forever about this topic. The gold standard was set, naturally, by Tina Turner and her song for "Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome" with the song - "We Don't Need Another Hero (Thunderdome)". I mean really - where else can she use the lyrics:
"We don't need another hero - we don't need to know the way home. All we want is life beyond - THE THUNDERDOME!"
I think it all went downhill when Prince did "Batdance." Nothing against Prince, but come on - I want to hear a song ABOUT the movie, I don't want to hear THE movie. I'll give him credit though, I think he was trying to take the trend to the next level. Guess what? HE KILLED IT.
I implore you, Hollywood fat-cats, imagine the possibilities. Not to mention all the good these songs do. Think about it - when was the last time you went to a movie, and the next day a friend of yours asks "Oh, you saw "Ratatouille" - what's it about?" Instead of painstakingly boring the living hell out of yourself and your friend with a rambling, non-rhyming recitation, just imagine popping in your CD or iPod or even iPhone and saying - "Sit back and let Sum 41 do all the work!"
I see a lot of famous people where I live. But to me, it's more fun to see the people that aren't the house-hold names. I'd rather run into the guy who played Lobot in "Empire Strikes Back" than Harrison Ford. Well, okay, maybe that's not true. Who wouldn't want to hang out with Harrison Ford? Also, the guy who played Lobot is dead. If I'm running into him, I'm either dead myself or I'm being haunted by the guy who played Lobot. Either's a problem.
My point is, I like seeing the lesser known guys because they're more down to earth. None of this diva mentality.
Here's a perfect example - Saturday night, I went to the 10th anniversary screening of "Boogie Nights" out in Reseda as part of the Rolling Roadshow series. Now, I'm standing in this ridiculous line to get something to drink when who comes up behind me? None other than Kenny Luby and Mateen something-or-other from "On The Lot." Now, okay - these guys aren't celebrities by any means. But currently they're starring on a primetime TV show on the Fox Network and that's still a big deal.
As they stood in line behind me, I thought I'd be nice and say "Hey, love the movies you guys are making on the show." They were nice, said thanks, and were cool about it.
So then, about 20 minutes later, PT Anderson shows up to introduce the movie. His introduction was fun and it was cool to see the movie with him there.
HOWEVER...
There was an announcement made before the movie started - "Do not bother PT Anderson during the film." The guy went on and on to say he just wants to watch the movie in peace, don't disturb him, blah blah blah.
Now, I know PT Anderson is a much bigger "celebrity" than the dudes from On the Lot. Hell, he's also a much better filmmaker than the dudes from On the Lot. But come on - PT Anderson's showing up at a freakin' parking lot to a free screening of a movie he directed 10 years ago.
HE DESERVES TO BE BOTHERED. I'm sorry. Look, if I see PT Anderson eating dinner or at a video store, I won't bother him there - he's on PT time, he's trying to chill out, I get it. But he's showing up to HIS movie, and he's introducing it and he's standing there - in a PARKING LOT. That people came to to see a movie for free. Expect to get bugged Mr. Anderson. If you don't wanna be bothered, stay home and watch the movie in your house.
And don't give me that attitude that he wants to "enjoy the film with the rest of the crowd". I'm not buying that one. The guy MADE the film. He's seen it. Plus, Maya Rudolph was there too. I'm sure she's seen the film before too. What if I want to talk to her? But now, anyone who got close to them was scowled at menacingly. And if it's one thing my enemies know, my weakness is a mean scowl.
Another example - on Friday night, I got excited at dinner when I saw Kyle Cease strolling through the restaurant. You may know him as David Krumholtz's nemesis in "10 Things I Hate About You." Mostly memorable for the line "That must be Nigel with the bree", right before the rowdy gang of misfits crashes his party and turns the place upside down.
But I guess you can't really call people like Kyle Cease a "celebrity". In the loosest of definitions, a celebrity should really only be defined as someone who doesn't take a full paragraph to explain who they are.
So what do I call people like my boy K-Cease? I was thinking of "faux-lebrities", but then I thought that might already be taken. Or make me sound gay.
