TimeWaster

There's No Need To Argue...

My wife gave birth to our son two months ago.  He's kind of a blob - he doesn't do much but lie there, eat, poop, and occasionally barf.  This is the wonder time of having a kid - before he's a lunatic toddler racing around the house and drawing on the walls with magic markers, or a rebellious teen mixed up in drugs, sending nude photos of himself over the internet, or robbing senior citizens.  

So far, parenting's pretty easy.  A lot of people will tell you that the worst part of  this time in a baby's life is the sleep deprivation.  But they're wrong.  

The worst part of being a parent is the fact that in all your favorite music and movies from your youth, you've suddenly gone from being the protagonist to the antagonist.  Yep, I've crossed over and now that I'm a dad, I'm officially the bad guy.

But, on the plus side, now that I have a kid, it does give me license to yell at people more often.  It's the catch all excuse - "Hey, come on!  I got a kid here!" will stops everyone in their tracks.  Someone walking a dog and they don't pick up dog poop?  "I got a kid here - come on!"  Someone cuts me off in traffic, I can honk and yell and then say "Come on, I got a kid here!"  

Damn You Natasha Bedingfield

At the risk of losing all my street cred, I have a weakness for the song "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.  I wouldn't say I like the song, or if I even like her so much (although every time I see her, I think she looks like the attractive version of what Chelsea Handler thinks she is).

But that damn song - it's everywhere.  And when I hear it, I can't help myself.  It's my kryptonite.  Yes, you could even say I lose myself in it.  No, I'm not kidding.  

Here's why I bring it up - it's Friday night, around eleven o'clock.  My wife needed throat lozenges at the l and I had to pick up a prescription at our local CVS.  So as I walk in, what is blasting over the speakers?  You guessed it - "Unwritten".  

Now, all I'm there for is my prescription and some throat lozenges.  Simple enough - in and out, quick and easy in no time at all.  Certainly not long enough for Ms. Bedingfield's aural tendrils to catch me in their grip, right?

Wrong. 

No sooner am I in the lozenge aisle that all bets are off.  I couldn't control myself and before I can grab the Ludens, I find myself dancing in the pre-choreographed routine that I've (sadly) perfected during the opening credits of "The Hills".

Now, I figure "What the hell - there's literally no one shopping here.  No will see me!"  And dance I do!  So as I start dancing through the aisles, confident in the fact that I'm the only customer in the CVS, I look up and realize...

I'm not alone.

Yeah, about 5 feet away from me are the three guys standing behind the pharmacist's counter watching me.  So of course, I try to cover and pretend like my back is sore and that's why I'm flailing my arms to and fro with reckless abandon.  But it's hopeless.  

Normally I'd run out of there, jump into bed with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and cry myself to Monday but of course, the main reason I'm there is to specifically get a prescription from these pharmacists.

But I figure, hey - we're all adults here.  They're never going to bring it up.  Hell, they'd be crazy to think I would "dancing" through their pharmacy.  How preposterous!  

So as I go up to the counter and pick up the prescription, this is the first thing out of one guy's mouth:

"It's a great time to pick these up - Friday night at 11.  When you think no one's around..."

The other two quickly stifled laughs, and I realized - I was busted.  Big time.  

But hey - screw those guys, right?  I mean, if I wanna dance around in public to that ridiculously lame song, isn't that my right!?!  Who are they to judge!?!  Screw those jerks, right!?!  RIGHT???

Ugh.  I'm an idiot. With horrible taste in music.

Ad Nauseum

I spend a lot of time complaining about TV commercials, but seriously folks - there's an epidemic on our hands here.

There are not one but TWO (yep, I capitalized it) brands advertising their product with the old Folgers "we've replaced the normal food these people eat with our crappy processed junk and they'll never know" idea.

The first one is Carl's Jr. where unsuspecting morons are absolutely thrilled to learn that their dinners weren't real meals, but rather fast food served to them on fancy plates.  I really don't get those ads - diners eat a hamburger, then a fat dude in a chef's outfit comes out to tell them they're eating junk food, and the people burst into applause.  There's even one where the guy's told he didn't really eat a fancy hamburger, but rather a $6 burger from Carl's Jr, and he pumps his fists in the air and screams "YES!!!"  Why is this guy so happy?   Did he think that hamburger cost $900 and now he's off the hook?  

The other brand pulling the ol' switcheroo is Pizza Hut, who have taken the exact same set up but instead are serving pasta and then telling people that it's not fancy pasta they're eating, it's Pizza Hut pasta.  And one yay-hoo actually says at the end of the ad "I actually like it more knowing it's from Pizza Hut!"  That's a guy I want to meet and punch repeatedly in the face, stopping only briefly to take bites from highly expensive pastas.

The only thing that would make me happier is to know that the same ad agency makes both commercials, and that they pulled off the biggest scam in ad history.  

But not everything's all piss and vinegar.  One ad I love and I really don't know why is the ad for Universal Studios, where we see people standing on the side of the road holding cardboard signs for the Unviersal rides.  I'm not sure what it is, but I think a big part of it is the lazy, carefree acoustic jam in the background that sets the perfect tone.  Or maybe it's the fact that all the people standing on the side of the road trying to hitch rides to Universal Studios Hollywood are already IN Los Angeles, and I just laugh thinking "man, those poor souls got this far and for some reason couldn't make the last half-mile trek."  

Amazing

Did anyone else notice that Thom Yorke....

Is really just a sleepy Clay Aiken???

I Am Losing It

These last couple weeks have been insane for me. Insane. The type of crazy-insane that means I slept in all weekend, didn't go out either Friday or Saturday, and I'm still exhausted.

And now this.

I was glancing over the news stories on IMDB.com, and read the headline:

"Ledger's Doctors Cleared Olsen Twins To Write Fashion Book".

What the hell? First off, if the Olsen twins want to write a book on fashion, why do Heath Ledger's doctors have the final word on this? Is their book about what Heath was wearing when he passed away? Wouldn't Heath's lawyers have more to say about this? What kind of ghouls are these Olsen twins that they would write a book about what Heath Ledger was wearing when he died? And is that enough to fill a book? Is this a book about what famous people wore when they died before their time?

And then I realized - those are two separate headlines. The doctors were cleared, AND the Olsen Twins are writing a book on fashion. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other.

Yes, I am seriously overworked. And kind of a dope.

Oscar Night Is Full Of Surprises!

Some people I know like to laugh at the fact that every year, I enjoy watching the Oscars. But case in point on why I like the show - how else do you find out who the new Hollywood power couples are?

And if you're thinking I'm gonna mention that Diablo Cody was sitting with Edgar Wright, well, you're wrong. I saw them at "Cloverfield" over a month ago. No, I'm talking about Hollywood's most provacative power couple:

Dixie Carter and Hal Holbrook. Who knew? I guess, technically, anyone that attended their wedding in 1984 or knows them personally knew. But I didn't.

2007 Is Over

After three weeks of gathering the data and checking the results, here is my 2007 "Best Of" list. Unlike normal lists, this isn't the "Best of DVD's" or "Best of Movies" or "Best of CD's". This is just my list of my favorite things of 2007.

Keep in mind, I'm not including things like "my health," or "no terrorist attacks." That stuff it just a little too obvious.

Not that anyone cares. In no particular order...

1) Best Poster - My "Lost" poster.

I'm milling about in the Star Wars Celebration IV in downtown Los Angeles in May. My eyes, glazed over from the endless barrage of wookiees, jawas, and wampas, fixated on something that popped out from the rest. It was the first non-Star Wars item I had seen all day: a poster, painted in the style of classic movie poster artist Drew Struzan, based on the show "Lost."

I hurry over to the booth and I'm just about to buy the poster. But the guy selling the posters is nowhere to be found. So as I'm waiting for this dude to show up, I'm thinking to myself "Why the heck would I buy this poster? What am I going to do with it?" And as I'm slowly talking myself out of buying it, who do I see standing right next to me?

JJ Abrams.

I flipped out. And to his credit, JJ Abrams could not have been nicer. So I struck up a conversation with him, he signed my poster, and generally hung out with me while we waited for the guy selling these posters to get back. But here's the funny thing - JJ Abrams, who seriously wanted one of the Lost posters, couldn't wait around for the guy to get back, so he left. And literally seconds after he walked off, the artist selling these posters showed up. I told him the story, and the artist was PISSED he missed JJ Abrams. So pissed that he gave me the poster for free!

A few months later, and a friend of a friend who knows Damon Lindelof got him to sign it as well.

2) Best Documentary - "King of Kong"

Part of me loved this movie because it's a great great documentary. The other part of me loved this movie because as a kid, my father owned video game arcades and I had a full sized Donkey Kong in my basement. And I was freakin' good at it. How good? So good that I was at the "Harry Potter" premiere this year, and they had a Donkey Kong machine there. A total stranger, about my age, and I walked up to it at the same time. The guy looked at me and said "Hey, I'll play you." My only mistake was not replying "Sure. Wanna put some cash on this?"

Needless to say, after his first man, it was my turn. The guy got so angry at how long I played for, he turned to his wife and yelled "Forget it. This guy fuckin' programmed this game or something!" and then walked away.

3) Best Reality Show To Hate - "Sons of Hollywood"

Chances are, if you didn't catch this when it originally aired, you'll never get a chance to see this show ever again. I can't imagine anyone rerunning this, and who's going to release it on DVD?

Viewers were treated to such memorable TV moments as Rod Stewart's son lamenting the fact that he has to work harder than anyone to succeed because people think he has everything handed to him. And then the show proceeds to show him sleeping in till 2 in the afternoon every day, going out every night, and basically starting fights with everyone he knows.

Or Aaron Spelling's son getting into a fight with Rod Stewart's son because RS's kid called AS's kid a "mama's boy" when they were in Vegas. So what did AS's kid do? He ran back to his hotel room, cried, and then called his mom. I am not making that up.

(and I would not refer to them by their real names because I'm willing to bet they are the type of people to constantly Google themselves, and if they saw me talking about them, I'm sure they'd track me down and kick my ass. I'm not a physically strong person)

4) Best Bet - Winning An NFL Pool Against 17 'Roided-Out Professional Wrestlers

This is a long story that deserves an even longer post n the future, but suffice it to say the first week of the NFL I entered a pool against over a dozen and a half WWE wrestlers. Ten days later, I had made some pretty outrageous claims about winning the pool and in the process pissed these crazy guys off to no end. And by the end of December, I won. These guys now want to kill me more than ever. And, if you haven't guessed, I'm not the guy that's gonna take on the roster of the WWE.

5) Best New TV Show - "LA Ink"

This show is fun to watch and reminds me every time I watch it exactly why I would never get a tattoo. I'll watch the show and see a great design for a tattoo and think "Wow, that would look cool on my arm." Then, a couple hours later, I'll catch my reflection in the mirror and think how glad I am that I don't have some image of Frankenstein etched onto my body.

Plus, if the previous entries haven't expressed it enough, I'm a wimp and probably couldn't handle the pain of getting one.

Pack It In: Dick Clark

I'm starting the "Pack It In Awards" that I'm giving out to people that just need to call it a day. And sweeping every category this year is America's Scariest Teenager - Dick Clark.

Dick, please, for the love of all that's holy - get off my TV screen. Even if it's only once a year, it's done.

I Love This

The picture sucks because it was taken at night in the rain with my camera phone, but this cracked me up. A completely empty parking lot near my house, save for my car and this stretch Hummer limo pictured.

I know it's hard to tell, but the Hummer limo is parked lengthwise across 4 spots.

But what's hysterical (to me anyway) is that the four spots this limo is taking up are all the handicapped spots!

Merry Christmas, cripples!

NSFW

Warning - this post is TOO HOTT FOR TV, and may contain raunchy, "American Pie Presents: Band Camp" style language.

Like everyone I know, dozens and dozens of spam e-mails flood my inbox on a daily basis. Normally I'd be annoyed, but some of these spams have such great subject lines that I just have to share them. In no particular order, I present to you the following e-mails that someone, somewhere thinks I'd actually open and be curious what waits inside:

1) A "Dr. Terrence Miles" writes to me saying "Enlarge your penis size your wife will be crazy about you".

What doctor can't punctuate a simple sentence? And also, if I've already married the woman, why would I have to enlarge my penis size to make her crazy? She's already locked in.

2) "Mohammad McKee" writes - "You deserve to not be ignored by women!"

Can Mohammad make this any more complicated? I deserve not to be ignored by women? So that means I deserve to be...noticed? And how the hell did I wind up on this mailing list? Was it my frequent visits to "www.all_bitches_will_pay.com"?

3) "Brandie A. Bourgeois" begs me - "Make all ladies worship your male package!"

Hear that, ladies? YOU WILL BE MADE TO WORSHIP MY MALE PACKAGE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO MY JUNK.

4) "Micheal Myers" writes - "Get equipped with better and bigger package!"

I know what a bigger package would be, but damned if I'm not dying to find out how he's gonna make it better. More aerodynamic? Tamper proof? Sirius satellite radio hook-up?

5) "Tasha Y. Betts" wants me to "Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!"

This is the same campaign platform Richard Gephart ran on four years ago. Can Tasha just steal it like that? I'm just excited that in about 4 short weeks, I can say good-bye to the trouser mouse. Thank fucking God.

6) "Ethan Clarke" tries to cheer my holiday doldrums up by telling me "It's time you became proud of your willy!"

Whatever he's selling, I'm buying. That's it. No more awkward family moments where my willy constantly disappoints. It's time, God damn it!!!

And my favorite by far...

7) "Massive Christmas discounts for more massive penises!!!"

Just where the hell does the size of one's trouser mouse get them an extra 30-40% off, and why the hell haven't I gone there yet!?!

Spammers, keep up the good work!