TimeWaster

Oscar Night Is Full Of Surprises!

Some people I know like to laugh at the fact that every year, I enjoy watching the Oscars. But case in point on why I like the show - how else do you find out who the new Hollywood power couples are?

And if you're thinking I'm gonna mention that Diablo Cody was sitting with Edgar Wright, well, you're wrong. I saw them at "Cloverfield" over a month ago. No, I'm talking about Hollywood's most provacative power couple:

Dixie Carter and Hal Holbrook. Who knew? I guess, technically, anyone that attended their wedding in 1984 or knows them personally knew. But I didn't.

Dieting The Right Way

Photographs have been taken of me recently. Not naughty pictures, not candid pictures, not running a red light traffic camera photos. Regular old ordinary pictures that make me realize I need to lose a lot of weight - and fast.

So after dinner tonight I decide to hit Yogurt Zone for some super low fat, low calorie, no guilt frozen yogurt. Afterall, isn't that the reason for going to a place that sells frozen yogurt? Low fat? Low calorie? Semi-good for you? Because if that's the case, I don't think anyone told the woman in line in front of me.

First off, she orders the largest size they have. This sucker is HUGE. It's practically a full-on ice cream cake without the cake. Fortunately Yogurt Zone sells toppings with the yogurt.

First the woman orders Butterfinger bits on the yogurt. Okay, I think, that's fine. I've been known to once in a while order candy on my yogurt. I will begrudge no man or woman that. However, she takes it to the next level by yelling at the 15 year old kid behind the counter - "No! I want the big chunks! Don't give me the little pieces, I want the big pieces!" Yikes. A bit much, but whatever. The lady wants her money's worth.

Then she gets her big chunks of Butterfinger and next asks for another topping - Snickers pieces. And yes, she did ask again for the big chunks.

Okay, so to recap - she orders a pony keg's worth of frozen yogurt, topped with giant chunks of Snickers and Butterfingers. But she's not done. In order to balance out the junk food/health food quotient, she next asks for blueberries. This thing is just dripping with toppings. Snickers, Butterfingers, and now blueberries.

And she's still not done.

The woman next asks for double - DOUBLE - marshmallow topping. Double. And at this point I think I was witness to a Yogurt Zone first - a large yogurt could not handle any more toppings. The fifteen year old kids working the counter were completely flummoxed. This was a crisis - they literally could not figure out how to pack more crap on!

Finally, they packed two small containers filled with marshmallows and rang her up. And watching this was just enough to turn me off to eating dessert for the rest of my life.

But at the end of the day, my question to this woman is - why not just go to Coldstone or Baskin Robbins and just go all out? Are you really "dieting" anymore with nine Snickers bars, five Butterfingers, and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man's left testicle smashed in there? Just doesn't make sense.

Dr. Casual Reading

So I'm watching the news tonight, and there's a big story on how certain Los Angeles area hospitals continually fail inspections on their mammogram equipment. Pretty serious stuff - they're interviewing women who have had mammograms at these hospitals, and they're in tears talking about how worried they are now that their tests could be faulty.

And during the story, there's an interview with the doctor who is the head of the committee that inspects all the mammogram equipment. The interview takes place in his office, and he's sitting in front of his bookshelf. And what's the one book prominently displayed behind his head?

Hollywood Animal by Joe Eszterhas.

This is the guy that's in charge of this investigation? Really? And no one thought to move the book - which has a bright pink spine, drawing your eye to it no matter how hard you try to look away?

This is what we in the legal profession refer to as "discrediting the witness."

**Please note I'm neither a lawyer nor actually in the legal profession, but I have paid thousands of dollars to a lawyer over the last 7 years.