TimeWaster

Out-Crazying The Crazies

I think I've done the impossible. If you read the heading, you can already guess what that is. If you're too lazy, then I'll type it again - I have out-crazied a crazy person!

Impossible you say? Well sir or madam, here's how it all went down:

I'm standing at the crosswalk, waiting to cross Ventura Blvd and standing next to me is your garden variety crazy homeless person. Imagine every crazy, grizzled prospector you've ever seen in a Bugs Bunny cartoon - the type with big bushy beards, toothless grins, and stinky filth dripping off of them.

So, just as the light's just about to turn red and allow us to cross, a woman in her BMW is charging towards the light. She's just far enough away from the light to not be able to run it, yet she doesn't seem to be slowing down. So as the light turns red and we get the little white walk guy, I hesitate on the curb because this woman still has the car gunned. My bushy amigo, however, isn't so observant.

Right as he steps in the crosswalk, the woman slams on her breaks and just barely avoids slamming into the homeless guy. I have to think that he did this on purpose - if you've literally got nothing to lose and you see a BMW charging down the street, I imagine it's pretty tempting to test out the flexibility of the car's bumper.

But anywho, the woman misses hitting the guy and I step into the street. And as I'm about half a footstep away from her, she floors it and pulls right through the red light. I was pissed. I spun around and screamed "SLOW DOWN!!!"

And that's when the crazy homeless guy turned to me and, very calmly, he said - "Hey man, it's okay. What's wrong?"

It's at this point I made a split second decision - I didn't want this guy bugging me for money or talking to me much longer. So i just started mumbling angrily. Not saying any real words, I just waved my hands around and literally said things like "Garble mudge moo chew - aaaaargghh!!!"

And it's then that I saw the look in the crazy guy's eyes. He had no idea what the hell I was doing, and he started walking away from me. Slowly. Carefully. Scared.

Now, there was one slight problem with my decision to out-crazy the crazy person. Or, technically, there were five problems with my decision - the five other people on the street walking about three feet away from my lunatic outburst. These people saw me coming, and picked up the pace, briskly distancing themselves from me and ducking into the restaurant they were headed to for lunch.

Unfortunately, it was the same restaurant I risked life and limb to cross the street for.

Ten seconds after they enter, the door opens again, and this time it's me walking in. And the five people all turned around and left.

Which is fine with me, because I really hate waiting in lines.

Fantastic Sam's: Evil Incarnate

There's a new name in terror, and it's Fantastic Sam's.

It starts off with a basic enough idea. A woman walks in to a Fantasic Sam's - I've been referring to her as "Jennifer". So Jennifer needs a new 'do because Jen's got a job interview in a couple days. Simple premise, one we can all relate to. Hell, some of us might be going through the same transitional period in our lives as Jen. She's the every-woman.

Anyhow, Jennifer asks for a haircut, and all the barber chairs spin around revealing - FIVE CLONES OF JENNIFER, all with different hair styles!

Jennifer carefully inspects her clones and stops on one who's hair she likes. As Jenny says something along the lines of "that's a good look," that particular clone gets up and starts out! And as she's leaving, in what I consider a fit of desperation, Jennifer calls after her clone and says something along the lines of "Will you be ready for the interview?" Without missing a step, Jen-Clone smirks, doesn't look back, and snarls something sinister like "That job is MINE!"

The ad ends with Jennifer stranded in this clone factory, with Jen-Clone out in the real world assuming Jennifer's identity, about to fuck all sorts of shit up!

And you know the clone makers at Fantastic Sam's are going to immediately kill Jennifer, because come on - they don't want her talking! And believe me, death is probably her best option at this point. Think about it - when was the last time you had a hair cut, then changed it, and then months later thought "Nah, I liked that boring old haircut just fine!" There's no call for the original Jennifer anymore. She's probably gonna be locked away in some sort of holding cell, forced to subside off of rat's meat and her own urine.

This ad is the perfect, 30 second "Twilight Zone" that never aired.

2007 Is Over

After three weeks of gathering the data and checking the results, here is my 2007 "Best Of" list. Unlike normal lists, this isn't the "Best of DVD's" or "Best of Movies" or "Best of CD's". This is just my list of my favorite things of 2007.

Keep in mind, I'm not including things like "my health," or "no terrorist attacks." That stuff it just a little too obvious.

Not that anyone cares. In no particular order...

1) Best Poster - My "Lost" poster.

I'm milling about in the Star Wars Celebration IV in downtown Los Angeles in May. My eyes, glazed over from the endless barrage of wookiees, jawas, and wampas, fixated on something that popped out from the rest. It was the first non-Star Wars item I had seen all day: a poster, painted in the style of classic movie poster artist Drew Struzan, based on the show "Lost."

I hurry over to the booth and I'm just about to buy the poster. But the guy selling the posters is nowhere to be found. So as I'm waiting for this dude to show up, I'm thinking to myself "Why the heck would I buy this poster? What am I going to do with it?" And as I'm slowly talking myself out of buying it, who do I see standing right next to me?

JJ Abrams.

I flipped out. And to his credit, JJ Abrams could not have been nicer. So I struck up a conversation with him, he signed my poster, and generally hung out with me while we waited for the guy selling these posters to get back. But here's the funny thing - JJ Abrams, who seriously wanted one of the Lost posters, couldn't wait around for the guy to get back, so he left. And literally seconds after he walked off, the artist selling these posters showed up. I told him the story, and the artist was PISSED he missed JJ Abrams. So pissed that he gave me the poster for free!

A few months later, and a friend of a friend who knows Damon Lindelof got him to sign it as well.

2) Best Documentary - "King of Kong"

Part of me loved this movie because it's a great great documentary. The other part of me loved this movie because as a kid, my father owned video game arcades and I had a full sized Donkey Kong in my basement. And I was freakin' good at it. How good? So good that I was at the "Harry Potter" premiere this year, and they had a Donkey Kong machine there. A total stranger, about my age, and I walked up to it at the same time. The guy looked at me and said "Hey, I'll play you." My only mistake was not replying "Sure. Wanna put some cash on this?"

Needless to say, after his first man, it was my turn. The guy got so angry at how long I played for, he turned to his wife and yelled "Forget it. This guy fuckin' programmed this game or something!" and then walked away.

3) Best Reality Show To Hate - "Sons of Hollywood"

Chances are, if you didn't catch this when it originally aired, you'll never get a chance to see this show ever again. I can't imagine anyone rerunning this, and who's going to release it on DVD?

Viewers were treated to such memorable TV moments as Rod Stewart's son lamenting the fact that he has to work harder than anyone to succeed because people think he has everything handed to him. And then the show proceeds to show him sleeping in till 2 in the afternoon every day, going out every night, and basically starting fights with everyone he knows.

Or Aaron Spelling's son getting into a fight with Rod Stewart's son because RS's kid called AS's kid a "mama's boy" when they were in Vegas. So what did AS's kid do? He ran back to his hotel room, cried, and then called his mom. I am not making that up.

(and I would not refer to them by their real names because I'm willing to bet they are the type of people to constantly Google themselves, and if they saw me talking about them, I'm sure they'd track me down and kick my ass. I'm not a physically strong person)

4) Best Bet - Winning An NFL Pool Against 17 'Roided-Out Professional Wrestlers

This is a long story that deserves an even longer post n the future, but suffice it to say the first week of the NFL I entered a pool against over a dozen and a half WWE wrestlers. Ten days later, I had made some pretty outrageous claims about winning the pool and in the process pissed these crazy guys off to no end. And by the end of December, I won. These guys now want to kill me more than ever. And, if you haven't guessed, I'm not the guy that's gonna take on the roster of the WWE.

5) Best New TV Show - "LA Ink"

This show is fun to watch and reminds me every time I watch it exactly why I would never get a tattoo. I'll watch the show and see a great design for a tattoo and think "Wow, that would look cool on my arm." Then, a couple hours later, I'll catch my reflection in the mirror and think how glad I am that I don't have some image of Frankenstein etched onto my body.

Plus, if the previous entries haven't expressed it enough, I'm a wimp and probably couldn't handle the pain of getting one.

I-Think-I-Know-That-Guy Apprentice

I know I'm not fooling anyone by saying some of the contestants on "Celebrity Apprentice" are neither celebrities nor apprenti. However, the hardest pill for me to swallow in this farce is the description of contestant Jenny Finch as "one of America's best-known female athlete."

Is this a bigger insult to a show calling itself "Celebrity Apprentice" or the state of female athletics in America?

Or am I just a small minority of American who didn't realize Jenny Finch won a gold medal in the 2004 Olympics on the softball team? Am I also alone in not really knowing there was an olympic category for softball?

Also, what the hell has happened to Gene Simmons' hair? His hair looks like a steel wool recreation of the top half of Darth Vader's helmet.

I clearly have way too much free time.

Pack It In: Dick Clark

I'm starting the "Pack It In Awards" that I'm giving out to people that just need to call it a day. And sweeping every category this year is America's Scariest Teenager - Dick Clark.

Dick, please, for the love of all that's holy - get off my TV screen. Even if it's only once a year, it's done.