TimeWaster

Celebrity Fit Club

I'm at LAX and I'm stopped by someone complimenting me on my hat. As I spin around to see who it is, I realize it's the bald drill sergeant from "Celebrity Fit Club". Very nice guy, but for some reason I totally blank on his name. I want to call him "Harvey Levin", but obviously that's not right.

He was also with a woman whose name I can't place, and who I think was on the show as a contestant, but I'm not sure. I chalk all this up to the fact that my birthday was 2 weeks ago and I'm getting old and I'm starting to get a version of Alzheimer's that only effects my knowledge of D-list celebrities.

I Love This

The picture sucks because it was taken at night in the rain with my camera phone, but this cracked me up. A completely empty parking lot near my house, save for my car and this stretch Hummer limo pictured.

I know it's hard to tell, but the Hummer limo is parked lengthwise across 4 spots.

But what's hysterical (to me anyway) is that the four spots this limo is taking up are all the handicapped spots!

Merry Christmas, cripples!

Things We Need To Fix in 2008

Let's be honest with ourselves - 2007 sucked. Let's kick 2008 off by fixing a couple really simple things:

1) Spoiler Alerts - this is a big one, but how hard is it for online journalists, bloggers, whatevers to not give away huge spoilers in the headlines of articles. This is really, really annoying. For example - Survivor: China's finale. Does AOL really have to write "So-and-So Wins Survivor China!" thereby ruining the whole freaking show for anyone just about to watch it?

We still haven't learned by now that's annoying? We can't write "Survivor: China Winner Crowned"?

Normally, every single headline you read online always has to play it coy and cute by hiding what the hell the article's about. Except when it comes to spoiling the outcome of sporting events or reality shows.

2) Phone Messages - This is something we should've wrapped up a long time ago. When leaving a message on someone's voicemail, can we lose the "Hey it's so-and-so, got a question, call me back." Because here's what happens - I call back, so-and-so isn't there. I leave a message. So-and-so calls back, I'm not around, I get a ridiculous "Hey it's me calling you back" message.

The tip here is - leave the freaking question/info you need response to on the message. That way, if you're not around, I can leave my answer on your voice mail and we don't have to play phone tag all day and all night.

If we can just stamp these two things out in 2008, then we're taking a step in the right direction and maybe, just maybe, things will be all right.

Big Wheel Keep On Rollin'

It all happened on an unseasonably warm November afternoon in 1998.

About two weeks earlier, I, along with everyone else working on a horrendous edu-tainment Saturday morning cartoon at Warner Bros. were told our show was wildly over budget. The sweet jobs that we'd been promised would last for about 3 years was coming to an end about 14 months sooner than expected.

In my search for a new gig, I had a friend working on the newest incarnation of the Gong Show. It aired on the Game Show Network and was now going under the name "Extreme Gong". My friend told me they had an opening for someone to appear on the show that day. All I'd need to do was recite a pre-written monologue. Oh, and dress up in a full on head-to-toe dog costume. And drink water from a dog bowl. And eat a dog treat.

Faster than you can say "no shame," I was down at Hollywood Center Studios dressed head to toe as an oversized and overweight dalmatian. And as I sat in the bleachers, waiting for my turn to rehearse, that's when I heard it. The voice - his voice. "That is a nice outfit!"

It was Ike Turner.

Ike and I sat in the bleachers, waiting for rehearsals, and just talked. He probably would've called it "chilling". We talked a little about why I was dressed as a dog (I needed the money), we talked about why Ike Turner was on "Extreme Gong" (he needed the money). But mostly, Ike and I just hung.

For about a half hour, me and Ike Turner were buddies. We were on the same team. I am pretty sure a high five was exchanged at some point. But then the show started, Ike did his thing and I got bumped. Ike took off, and because of the complicated nature of the dog suit, I had to have someone help me out of it before I could say good bye.

I'm probably not mentioned in his will, and there's probably not going to be any Dog Boy character in "What's Love Got To Do With It? Part 2 - Ike's Revenge". But I do know that I spoke to Ike Turner more recently than Tina has, and for a moment there, we were pals. Pals that never hung out again.

NSFW

Warning - this post is TOO HOTT FOR TV, and may contain raunchy, "American Pie Presents: Band Camp" style language.

Like everyone I know, dozens and dozens of spam e-mails flood my inbox on a daily basis. Normally I'd be annoyed, but some of these spams have such great subject lines that I just have to share them. In no particular order, I present to you the following e-mails that someone, somewhere thinks I'd actually open and be curious what waits inside:

1) A "Dr. Terrence Miles" writes to me saying "Enlarge your penis size your wife will be crazy about you".

What doctor can't punctuate a simple sentence? And also, if I've already married the woman, why would I have to enlarge my penis size to make her crazy? She's already locked in.

2) "Mohammad McKee" writes - "You deserve to not be ignored by women!"

Can Mohammad make this any more complicated? I deserve not to be ignored by women? So that means I deserve to be...noticed? And how the hell did I wind up on this mailing list? Was it my frequent visits to "www.all_bitches_will_pay.com"?

3) "Brandie A. Bourgeois" begs me - "Make all ladies worship your male package!"

Hear that, ladies? YOU WILL BE MADE TO WORSHIP MY MALE PACKAGE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO MY JUNK.

4) "Micheal Myers" writes - "Get equipped with better and bigger package!"

I know what a bigger package would be, but damned if I'm not dying to find out how he's gonna make it better. More aerodynamic? Tamper proof? Sirius satellite radio hook-up?

5) "Tasha Y. Betts" wants me to "Turn your trouser mouse into a monster schlong in 2008!"

This is the same campaign platform Richard Gephart ran on four years ago. Can Tasha just steal it like that? I'm just excited that in about 4 short weeks, I can say good-bye to the trouser mouse. Thank fucking God.

6) "Ethan Clarke" tries to cheer my holiday doldrums up by telling me "It's time you became proud of your willy!"

Whatever he's selling, I'm buying. That's it. No more awkward family moments where my willy constantly disappoints. It's time, God damn it!!!

And my favorite by far...

7) "Massive Christmas discounts for more massive penises!!!"

Just where the hell does the size of one's trouser mouse get them an extra 30-40% off, and why the hell haven't I gone there yet!?!

Spammers, keep up the good work!