TimeWaster

Commercials I Do Not Get, part 1

I understand that commercials are not really meant to be 30 second movies or TV shows (unless they star hilarously misunderstood Cavemen). But that doesn't make the commercial writers/directors/idea men less accountable for some of the dumber things in the ads. I'm rambling.

I'm rambling. Let me give you an example - there's an ad for Wendy's lampooning presidential debates when someone in the crew interrupts with a "rant" about why should Americans be forced to have just fries with their fast food meals.

Here's what I don't get - he begins his rant with a line that's basically "I can choose which celebrity's nose I want, but not what side order I want with my burger?"

What the hell are they talking about? Who's choosing celebrity noses? This makes zero sense.

Also, there's an ad for the motorized wheelchair called the "Hover-Round." The ad is hosted by the creator of the Hover-Round, Tom Kruse. That last name is pronounced "Cruise". Why he doesn't go by "Thomas" is beyond me. Is he thinking that old people with poor vision will hear that Tom Cruise invented the Hover-Round and want to buy it?

And why, if the guy's last name is freakin' KRUSE, is this thing not called the "Kruse-Around"???

Celebrity Jam Packed Superstar Tuesday**

**Note - Celebrity Superstar status not guaranteed

It's days like today that reaffirm that I live in the right ventricle of the heart of Tinseltown.

As I strolled to my usual lunch hangout, who do I see taking her seat? None other than Daisy Duke herself CATHERINE BACH!

Then I do so much as turn my head to the right, and who's sitting there? Why, it's star of "John Tucker Must Die" and "American Dreams" - BRITTANY SNOW!

Whew, pretty exhausting right? Not done yet. Not even close.

As I'm sauntering to my car, who's parked in the spot right in front of me? Oh, just Hollywood power couple MATTHEW JOHN ARMSTRONG and ASHLEY CROW! In case you're not "hip" or "cool" or "in the know", Matthew John Armstrong is the actor that looks suspiciously like one of those Geico Cavemen and played "Ted" the nuclear man on "Heroes". Ashley Crow is his wife, and she plays Claire the cheerleader's mother on "Heroes." They were both on "American Dreams" as well, so it was a real Battle of the Network Stars "Heroes"/"American Dreams" mash up.

And yes, I'm probably as shocked as you to know those two are married.

I only wish I had my camera - I know TMZ would pay top dollar for pictures of any one of those megawatt bulbs.

I Can Take A Sunrise And Sprinkle It With Dew

On the way home from dinner, my wife and I noticed the local Hollywood Video down the street is going out of business. Everything was marked down - including the candy.

So we thought with Halloween coming up, why not stock up on some treats for our Haunted House?

Well, I'm not sure if the picture below does it justice, but we left the store $50 poorer and what you see here. Keep in mind it covers our entire dining room table:

The World's Most Confused Decoration

During a last minute sweep for cheap Halloween decorations, I came across something straight out of the Island of Misfit Toys. Only this isn't a toy - from what I can assume, it's a wreath meant to hang on your door. The only question is - when's the best time to put this sucker up?

For the record, the tag on it officially classified this a "Halloween Decoration". Click on the thumbnail to see if you agree:

Let's examine this sucker a little more closely:

1) It says "Welcome" in drippy blood like letters.
2) But the wreath is made of dried twigs and has orange leaves on it, almost like something you'd put out for Thanksgiving
3) It's hard to see, but there is a bit of Christmas garland wrapping around the twigs.
4) And there is a snowman glued to it.

All I can tell is that this wreath was the best ninety-nine cents I've ever spent.

It's Called Courtesy, People

Tonight I went to a special sneak preview of "30 Days of Night" that included a Q&A session with the writers afterwards.

Now, I must get this off my chest first and foremost - at what point did people start forgetting that when they go to a movie, they are not 1) in their living room or 2) surrounded by the type of person who hinges on every single word they have to say.

I really should get over this, but it bugs the hell out of me to no end when the lights go down in a movie theater and people in the audience take this to mean Bud Freidman is waving them onstage at the Improv. Here's a news flash - no one gives a shit about what you have to say. Chances are, 99% of what comes out of your mouth is not interesting or funny or relevant as the movie starts. Save it for your ride home or your rant to Aint It Cool News.

Okay, so people talking in theaters is old news. Tonight I was privvy to a new form of annoying behavior.

During the Q&A session after the film, the audience was given the chance to express themselves and ask questions. Now, this is America and you're allowed the freedom of speech and the right to your opinion, but there's also a corallary to the Bill of Rights, a little known footnote known as "The Common Decency Principal".

Here's what I'm talking about -

In the film, there's an beat that's in most of the TV ads. It's a shot where a vampire places his large pointy fingernail on a spinning record, and the record begins to play music. Does it make any logical sense that a vampire's fingernail can play records? No. Is it kind of a cool, creepy image? Sure, why not.

So during the Q&A, someone raised their hand and asked "So who's idea was it to do the record player moment, and why were they allowed to keep that in the film?"

The writers were, understandably, stunned. I couldn't believe how this guy thought he was so right about his hatred for this one minor moment in the movie that the rest of the world just had to agree with him. To their credit, the writers were very diplomatic and even went so far as to say "You know what, that image is a big part of the advertising, so some people out there must like it." My answer wouldn't have been so diplomatic - it probably would've just taken the form of my middle finger stuck in their face or my bare ass pressed against his head.

There were a few other questions similar in tone to that one, such as "All the vampires bite people and drink their blood in this movie. Why didn't you guys come up with different ways for them to do this?"

That question disturbed me on a couple different levels. Was this guy sitting there thinking to himself "Oh man, how many times is that vampire gonna bite people? When's he gonna get a gun, and then shoot a guy and then pull out a crazy straw and stick it in the bullet hole and drink the blood that way?"

I don't know. Maybe I'm just becoming a cranky old man. Or maybe, just maybe I've been raised to actually be polite. Maybe I just need to live in one of those Bio-Domes. As long as they don't have the movie "Bio-Dome" in it.

Trick or...Wait, I Know This One...

Halloween checklist:

1) Jack-O-Lantern - check!

2) Halloween Costume - check!

3) Some kind of BAG kids can put their TREATS in - Ummm...let's see...they have those at Party City, right?

Right???

Fall Cleaning

A good amount of my weekend was spent cleaning out my garage. That is, until I suffered a debilitating injury. If there's one thing you should learn about me from all this, it's 1) I'm super accident prone, and 2) I don't have the ability to throw anything away.

Don't believe me? Here's a list of some of the stuff I found in my garage today. Keep in mind, I moved into my house in November of 2004:

1) Pay stubs from my time working at Warner Bros. animation. That was in 1998.
2) A box of magic markers. I'll ask anyone reading this - when was the last time you used magic markers after elementary school?
3) A copy of the original draft of the movie "Saw". I honestly have no idea when I got that script, or who gave it to me.
4) A garbage bag full of unopened toys marked "To Donate to 'Toys for Tots'." I'm not sure how an entire trashbag full of "Toys for Tots" could go unnoticed for at least 10 months.
5) My wife found this one - a black and white photo of me in a dress, arm in arm with a girl in a suit. This picture was taken the first weekend of my sophomore year in college. Fifteen years ago.

Thankfully I threw all this stuff out, and I still have the other half of the garage to go through.

Whoa, wait - hold up!

Today - October 12 - I went to pick something up a string of party lights for Halloween. Party City was out of said lights, and I asked when they'd get more in. And what was the response? "Oh, we're done getting Halloween stuff in."

Then I swung by an OSH to grab a couple items, and what do I see on the shelves? CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS!

Then I went to Target - More Christmas decorations!

Hold on here peeps! Let's slow it down already. October's not even half over - we still got a lot of Halloween stuff to do!

Addendum to the Maxx

**Note - Please read the entry "Annoying to the Maxx" before you read this one.

In my haste to write the previous entry, I forgot to add possibly the most annoying thing the guy did (and yes, he did call me an asshole).

This whole affair started because the doofus DROVE OVER MY LAWN IN HIS TRUCK! As he was pulling away, he tried to turn around in my driveway and I believe totally on purpose he missed the driveway by about three feet and his front tire dug a long gash into my lawn. Insane.

Annoying - To The Maxx!!!

I really do live in the land of dreams. Case in point - today, they're shooting a commercial on my street. But not just any ad - they're shooting an ad for TJ MAXX!!! Do they even have those in California?

Gotta love the planning on this one - they're shooting in a neighborhood 1) on trash day, and 2) a few weeks before Halloween. So look for an ad where everyone leaves their trashcans lying around and for some reason, every house on the block has tombstones and monsters strewn about their front yards.

But amidst all this Hollywood magic there must be a sour note. You see, I have this giant tree in my front yard. And one of the drawbacks to it is that no matter how empty the street is, everyone HAS TO park right in front of my front yard. It never fails - five cars will try to squeeze their way into my tree's shade when there's miles and miles of empty space up and down the block.

And TJ Maxx ad grips are no different.

Let me set the scene and tell me who's the bad guy in this situation - I'm sitting on my couch trying to get some work done when I hear someone dragging my trash cans down my driveway. And as I poke my head outside, I see some big fat oafish dude dragging the trash cans and plopping them down in the middle of my driveway.

So I look at this guy and ask "Uh, can I help you with something?" And his response - "Hey, I'm moving your trash cans for YOU. I'm trying to help YOU out!" Like, thanks Mungo - I got those cans to the curb but I had no strategy for getting them back.

But that wasn't the only thing he left in my driveway. I look down to the curb, and notice he's parked his van right at the end of my driveway. So I say to him "I'm sorry, but you have to move the van. You can't block my driveay".

And even though the entire rest of the street on my side was completely empty, his response to me was - "Hey, I'm just trying to park in the shade!"

Now I'm not only angry, but very very confused. I said that's fine, just don't leave it in my driveway. The guy choses to get snappy with me and say "Okay, guess I try to help you out with your trash cans, just trying to be helpful. Have a nice day asshole!"

Now, do I really deserve to be called an asshole because he's blocking my driveway and I ask him to move? And secondly, I really didn't need help with my trashcans. Especially when that help comes in the form of moving my recycling can AWAY from the curb, BEFORE the truck had a chance to empty the recycling.

My point here? Well, I don't really have one. But I guess it would be nice if, when you see a haunted and slovenly neighborhood in a TJ Maxx ad, you could do me a solid and boo and hiss at the TV.