TimeWaster

Kid Nation

Could they not provide those kids on "Kid Nation" with chap stick? Disgusting.

And that host looks like he's hung over every time he has to show up in Kid Nation.

A Very Special Episode

You'd be hard pressed to find someone who spent more time in front of the TV than I did, and yet I'm still not convinced we need every season of every TV show available on DVD. Don't get me wrong - I applaud the effort. But it's kind of crazy to go into Best Buy and see the shelves lined with dozens and dozens of copies of "What's Happening? Season 3" and "King of Queens Season 9".

But what they should do - and what would sell like crazy - is put out compilations of different shows all under a unified theme. I'm talking a "Very Special Episode" box set. Who wouldn't buy this, if merely for the kitsch factor? Plus the fact that most people my age are already having kids, and the "very special episode" has gone the way of VHS tapes and Teddy Ruxpin.

Somewhere out there is an enterprising young Hollywood executive looking for newer, free-er ways of making money. I don't want a cut of this, I just want to see these shows without digging through millions and millions of crappy other DVD sets. Here's a partial list of shows I would include:

--"Diff'rent Strokes" - the classic two parter where Arnold and Dudley are molested by Gordon Jump. This was a watershed moment in televised entertainment. I'm sure as a kid I was not alone in thinking "If pedophiles can get to Arnold and Dudley, what chance do I have of staying safe???"

--"Family Ties" - the super self indulgent gimme-an-Emmy episode that was intentionally devoid of laughs, and consisted of a one act play where Michael J Fox did a hell of a lot of soul searching after his best friend was killed in a drunk driving accident. A best friend that was never seen before this episode too, I might add.

--"Growing Pains" - the one where Kirk Cameron meets a chick and goes to a cool party, only to find out that everyone's doing cocaine! The show ended with Kirk breaking character and addressing the camera directly to talk to us about the dangers of doing drugs. Ah Kirk, where are you when the country needs you the most?

--"Family Matters" - the one where Urkel goes to a party on a rooftop, someone spikes the punch, Urkel gets drunk, does a crazy dance, and then falls off the roof. Unfortunately, Urkel did not die.

--"Mr. Belvedere" - actually I think this show, which is not out on DVD as of yet, had 3 very special episodes. The first was when Wesley's classmate has AIDS. The second was when Wesley was "touched" by a camp counselor. The third was when the daughter almost gets raped. How great would it be if the same character was responsible for all three events?

--"The Facts of Life" - I remember one where Natalie, played by Mindy Cohn, was almost raped. Seriously, what's with all this "almost" raping?

I'm sure there are plenty more out there that I'm forgetting, but for now - it's a start.

I Feel Like A Total Jerk

Just a little background info - I'm doing a haunted house with my neighbor on Halloween night. For the last couple weeks, I've scoured the southland for cool, cheap objects to decorate the haunted house. And by far, the cheapest place to get Halloween items is Party City. They have the same stuff as Aaah's! but for about half the price.

So I buy a couple things at Party City last week, and today I get a flier in the mail advertising their big sale. Adding insult to injury, the stuff I bought last week is now on sale for half price. This is officially a bigger pain in the ass than what all those people who bought iPhones went through.

So anyhow, I go into Party City and try to get a refund. I head over to the register and I can tell someone's there - I see movement, I see the register's drawer opened up and stacks of bills everywhere on the counter. Clearly, from a bit off, I can tell someone's in the middle of a register change.

I look back down to my reciept and my flyer and as I approach the counter, I start rambling on and on in my usual goonish way -

"I see here that this item is on sale, and I bought the thing last week so I'm wondering..."

And I glance up to see the guy behind the register's head just poking up over the counter. Without a thought, I say "Oh I'm sorry - do you need to pick that up?"

The guy looks at me, totally confused. "Need to pick up what?"

And that's when I realize - the guy isn't crouched behind the counter.

The guy behind the counter is a midget.

Totally embarassed, I just kept babbling on, hoping he'd forget what I said. And as I continue, the guy knocked something off the counter. So again, I ask "Oh I'm sorry - do you need to pick that up?"

In my heart, I know I should've pretended to have ESP to make up for the earlier embarassment. I should've said "Dude, this happens to me all the time and - holy shit! - did you drive to work today!?! Remember your seat belt!!!!"

It was an honest mistake, but still I can't help but feel like a total jerk. And if you're still wondering, I have to come back tomorrow to get my money back.

Halloween '07

September's just about half-way over and I've already spent tons of money on Halloween decorations.

My neighbor has been planning a haunted house since November 1st of last year. And eleven months of planning, what does he have to show for it?

He's got a map of our front yards, blocked off in sections as to where he'd set up walls for the haunted house. That's it. He's got a floorplan.

So I've taken it upon myself to buy stuff to house inside these walls he's so meticulously planned out. I'll post pictures here later, but for now please enjoy what my wife has purchased for Halloween:

TV Ads I Hate

I really hate that Motorola Razr commercial where the two people are having a faux "Matrix" style fight in the subway with their new Razr phones while that annoying We Are Pilots song plays.

Why do I hate this ad in particular? Oh, only for like a million reasons:

1) The fight starts is because the guy isn't paying attention and cuts the woman's dress accidentally with his Razr phone. Do I want a phone that's usually going to sit in my front pocket that sharp and dangerous? How do I know I won't accidentally cut my own balls off with it?

2) So the guy accidentally slices her dress. Does she need to retaliate by chopping his jacket in half? And then fine, okay, she gets him back by cutting the jacket in half. Is that it, is that the end of the skirmish?

No. Then she feels the need to slice the guy's sleeves off. And THEN she eggs him on to have a phone fight. Jeez, what is this lady's deal???

3) Pay attention to how the chick moves - she has to pop her head into position every time she comes to a standstill. Annoying. Highly, highly annoying. And yet I'm going to start doing this myself.

4) Why does she charge off to the subway after flipping the guy? She's won the fight (that she started, btw). And not only is she running off, but she leaves her phone lying on the platform where any kid can pick it up and slice off their fingers.

Not only that, but the guy who just got his ass beat throws her phone back to her ninja star style. WHY??? Wouldn't he think to himself "Man am I glad that sociopath doesn't have this dangerously sharp scrotum slashing phone to start anymore fights with!"

No, he throws it back to her, as if to say "You've won this round, but maybe tomorrow we can recklessly endanger more people on this subway platform!"

Did I mention I hate that ad?

What The...???

Am I dreaming or did I just see an ad for "Three Muskateers: Mint" candy bars?

If they're taking out that junk in the middle and replacing it with mint flavor and covering it with chocolate, is that still considered a Three Muskateers? Why not just call it something else like, oh, I don't know - "Junior Mints"?

Is the Three Muskateers brand name that strong that it needs to whore itself out to lesser, untested candy bars?

My theory is that one of the muskateers is in financial trouble, and because the other two took the oath "All for one and one for all," they're stuck doing cheap crap like this.

My New Career

Work's too hard. That's why I'm gonna chuck everything and become an actor.

But not just any actor. I want to specialize in certain parts. Here is the breakdown of what I'm aiming for:

PART #1 - it's a horror movie or science fiction film. Lots of people have been killed/mutilated in totally bizarre ways. And then the main character - played by an actor much more talented than me - steps into frame and says "I think this is the work of..." and says the name of the mythical killer/mutant creature that has done all the carnage.

And that's when I step up to the lead and say - "Wait a second - you seriously expect us to believe that? You're crazy!" And then as I shake my head and say "Come on, we're getting out of here!", I'm horribly slaughtered by the bad guy just to prove the lead actor was right all along.

I'm going to start doing this in real life to prepare. If you know me, prepare for a lot of "Wait a minute, are you telling me you wanted to try on a pair of SHOES at Nordstroms?" Or "Wait just a second - you can't honestly expect me to believe TACOS are on the menu???" Hopefully in real life, these lines won't be followed by me getting needlessly slaughtered.

On to...

PART #2 - Let me set the scene - it's a high tech espionage thriller. It's close to the end of the film, and everyone thinks the threat has been neutralized. As everyone celebrates and hugs, the camera CUTS TO...

Me, still sitting in front of my computer. With a confused look on my face, I call out - "Uh, guys...I think I got something here you should see!!!" At that point, more experienced actors can take over and save the day. I'll be just off camera, enjoying free bagels at the craft service table.

PART # 3 - Now imagine a romantic comedy. It's the scene where the two leads are having a great date and the lead actor - again, not me - decides to do some sweeping grand gesture. But to do that, he needs a certain prop that he doesn't have readily available. But then the lead looks up to find...

Me, walking towards him with whatever he needs. Lead actor grabs my item, to which I reply "Hey, what are you...!?!" But it's too late. Lead actor is already wooing the chick, and I've lost any legal right to reclaim my personal property.

It's high time all these roles had a unifying face. Why not make it my beautiful shining mug?

NY State of Mind

My wife is in New York for the week, which leaves me home alone. Cold. Scared. Hungry. Naked.

While she's away, there is something I get to do while she's not around. And I'm doing it non-stop. All day and all night. That's right, I'm doing nothing but...

Watching horror movies.

I've watched the original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," the sequel to the remake of TCM, "The Lost Boys," and "A Nightmare on Elm Street 2". One thing I've realized from all this is that the father in the original Texas Chainsaw looks EXACTLY like my grandfather when he was younger. This is why I always liked this movie, and never really trusted good ol' Pop Pop.

And with the Halloween season upon us, I know a lot of people like to rent scary movies to get in the holiday spirit. If you're someone who does that, I strongly reccomend renting "A Nightmare on Elm Street 2". The first one is great - but you already knew that (at least you should). And while part two isn't up to par with the first, it's fascinating on a completely different level.

Watch it for the subtext - this is the only slasher movie that is about a young man's struggle with his burgeoning homosexuality.

I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but you'll be amazed when you watch it and realize I'm not kidding. In the movie, Freddy Krueger is literally trying to burst forth from the main character's body, causing all sorts of confusion and funny feelings. There's a scene where the main character is just about to get lucky with the girl who's been chasing him the whole movie. As he unbuttons her blouse, a giant Freddy tongue shoots out of his mouth and starts licking the girl's cleavage. The guy grabs his mouth and runs from the girl - and into the bedroom of his best buddy Grady.

Oh, and he also murders his gym teacher by tying him up in the shower and stripping the teacher and whipping him to death with wet towels. This is after the main character is caught at a bar by his gym teacher, who is clad in all leather S&M gear.

So that's how I'm wasting my time. I just hope my dog doesn't get too damaged from prolonged exposure to all this.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

It's best if everyone just ignored the following picture:

Rebath

I need help on this one - there's an ad for a company called "Rebath" that airs a lot during the day. Anyhow, if anyone's seen this ad, PLEASE EXPLAIN IT TO ME!

I understand that commercials don't necessarily need to make sense, but this one blows my mind every time I watch it.

If you haven't seen it, here's how it unfolds -

Two guys that live next door to each other are leaving for work. Guy #1 mentions to the other he's called Rebath to re-do his bathroom. Guy #2 teases him, saying that these companies do horrible work and take you for everything you have, blah blah. Guy #1 shrugs, and says Rebath will have his job done in a day!

Cut to - the two guys at work. Rebath shows up at Guy #1's house. But here's where it gets weird...

At Guy #2's house, monkeys show up! And they start TRASHING his house!!! Guy #2 shows up after work, and his wife is yelling at him.

Tangent here - his wife is the WORST actress of all times. You really have to see this ad to know what I'm talking about - she is supposed to be screaming at him, and, you know - I can't even describe it.

Anyhow, Guy #2 is all pissed, saying "I should've called Rebath!" Meanwhile, Guy #1 shows up and everything's done and looking great.

Okay, here's my problem - Guy #2 never said he was redoing his bath!!! Why are monkeys showing up!?!?! I just don't get it.