TimeWaster

Sickness

So a couple weeks ago I was sick sick sick. Throwing up all over the place kinda sick. And as mentioned before, I thought I kicked it.

And then in the last couple days, my head's been totally clogged up and I have the hintiest hint of a sore throat. Am I getting sick again? Is this still residual sickness from before? Is this an all new sickness? Have I been attacked with chemical weapons? Is my wife poisoning me because I dared her to?

I may never know the answers. But I do know that the Best Buy finally opened in Sherman Oaks, and although I'm totally freakin' psyched, I'm a little disappointed that there wasn't a bigger to-do about it opening. They had some balloons outside and in certain parts of the store, but other than that nothing.

Oh well. At least it's there.

Ninjas vs. Bees - the Ninjas Always Win

American TV shows, you do so much right that it pains me to bring up something you're doing wrong.

But I have to do it.

You see, right now, game shows are everywhere. And that's fine - I love game shows. As a kid, all I wanted to do in life was to host a game show. For some reason I wanted to host "Card Sharks" - I think mostly so I could have access to a giant over-sized deck of cards.

But nowadays, game shows have changed. I'm referring specifically to shows like "Singing Bee" and the other singing bee type show that may or may not still be on, I don't really know. My big problem is that at the end of these new fangled "game" shows, there's this ridiculous need to crown a winner. And that's where we must draw the line.

America, we don't always need a winner.

Case in point - there's a "game" show on the G4 network right now called "Ninja Warrior". It's a physical competition where contestant after contestant races through ridiculously hard obstacle courses all in the chance to declare themselves a "Ninja Warrior". And a lot of the times, there's no winner.

Here's why I like this - because in the rare occasion someone completes the obstacle course, it carries much more weight to it. If there was a Ninja Warrior crowned once a week, then who would care?

This brings me back to shows like "The Spelling Bee" and even "VH1's World Series of Pop Culture". I've watched both shows, and in both occasions, someone's won the competition not by singing correctly or answering trivia questions. They've won just because their opponents have failed worse.

These game shows have just become a war of attrition, and that's not right. It's like if the San Antonio Spurs beat the Cavaliers in the NBA Finals by making a free throw in the first quarter of the game, and then no one else scored for the remaining 40 minutes. At that point, there should be no winner. It should be a stalemate.

Same goes for these shows. I think by now America deserves better TV. We can't let the ninjas win this round either.

Furiosity

I may have mentioned before in this blog that I live in a part of the San Fernando Valley that is seriously lacking in locations to purchase CDs or DVDs. I have to drive a minimum of 20 minutes in order to find a place that sells new CD's and DVD's - and I live in the second largest city in America!

There are actually 2 exceptions to this problem right now - the first being that a new Best Buy is opening next week a mere hop, skip, and a jump away. So that's exciting.

The second expception is the Target that's about two miles up the street from my house. And yes Target, I'm aiming this blog's title squarely at your little red bullseye.

The movie "Taxi Driver" was re-released on DVD for the umpteenth million time yesterday, and due to illness I couldn't really drag myself out of the house to grab it the SECOND IT WAS RELEASED. Sue me.

But today is another matter. Today, after an afternoon meeting, I decided to swing by and pick it up. Because even though it's been offered on DVD before, I've never bought it. And it really is one of my favorite movies of all time.

So I swing by today around 2 in the afternoon, and head for the DVD section at Target and what do I find? No "Taxi Driver". Sure, there's a sign saying it's on sale, but they don't actually have any copies.

Now, I contrast this with the 9,812,474,923 copies of "Muppet Show Season 2" and "Pathfinder" and "Fracture" and "Vacancy" that are literally spilling into the store aisles. So I'm forced to accept one of two options -

One being that Target didn't order very many copies of "Taxi Driver".

Two, they ordered the same number of copies as all the other movies I mentioned, yet within the first 36 hours of release, there rush of consumers to the Target near my house - one that must've rivaled the insanity of the early days of the Playstation 3 buying frenzy - all to buy a movie that's been released on DVD like 3 times already. All the other people that love this movie who haven't bought the other versions on DVD because, like me, they knew a better version was in the wings. And they also had no other recourse but to purchase it at the store near my house. Target expects me to believe all that.

I mean, was "Pathfinder" even released in theaters? Look, I never saw it and maybe it's a great film - not trying to slight "Pathfinder" here. All I'm saying is does any retail outlet in America really need ten billion copies of a DVD like that and, like, a handful of "Taxi Drivers" on the shelves? Does no one in the Target organization think to themselves - "Taxi Driver is DeNiro's finest. It's Scorcese's finest. It's a classic American movie. Pathfinder has Karl Urban. Maybe we should even out the numbers on the orders just a bit - you know, just to hedge our bets a little."

It's like Target is begging me to go shop somewhere else.

Blech

So I go to a friend's party Saturday night. After being there for about 30 minutes, I rush to the bathroom where I spend the next 20 minutes slowly coming to the realization...

I am sick as a dog.

That's never happened to me before. I've skipped parties because I was sick, or gotten sick after going to parties, but never have I gotten sick as I arrived to the party. Never have I felt more idiotic.

But other than feeling a bit sleepy on Saturday, I never felt sick or feverish. As I got in the car and drove to the party, my stomach felt a little funny. But I just thought I was hungry, as I'd eaten brunch earlier in the day and just snacked here and there throughout the day.

So here's what I learned - if you're stomach does not feel good, and you think it's just hunger, do not feed yourself hotdogs and tri-tip. It will only make matters worse.

So my wife took me home after being there for about 45 minutes. And man was I sick. I mean really sick. So sick that the gross things that your body does while you're sick were actually making me sicker. I really don't want to go into detail, I'm sure you don't want to hear about it either.

All-Star Celebrity Studded Friday**

**-All-star celebrity status not guaranteed.

I don't spend much time out of the house, but when I do, wow! If only I had a camera with me, and if only magazines like US, People, or Star cared about celebrities from 25 years ago.

Let me set the scene for you - Apple Store, Fashion Square Mall up in Sherman Oaks. I saunter in, looking for some help when who do I spot?

Mr. John Heard

That's right. John "Mother Effing" Heard. The dad from "Home Alone". The jerk from "Big". The dean from "O". The rich guy from "White Chicks". The Governor from "Prison Break".

This guy has literally been in everything. And if he wasn't in a movie, that's because they accidentally cast John Hurt instead. As I wander past, I look to my right and who's fiddling with a brand new iPhone?

Ms. Catherine Bach

TV's Daisy Duke. And...um...well, that's more than enough isn't it?

And if you thought that was enough, you'd be wrong. Dead freakin' wrong. Standing outside of Bucca Di Beppo on the Universal Citywalk, none other than...

Mr. Terry Crews

Terry "The Dad from Everyone Hates Chris" Crews. Terry "Longest Yard" Crews. Terry "Balls of Fury" Crews. Terry "White Chicks" Crews.

So yes, that means 2 stars of "White Chicks" in one day. Contain your excitement.

How Awesome Is It...

That Lindsay Lohan's former body guard's name is Tony Almeida?

I have no use for a body guard, but I might just hire this guy to watch after me so I can hang with a real life Tony Almeida and scream things at him like "Dammit Tony, we don't have time!" or "Almeida, I don't want to shoot you but I will if I have to!!!"

And then we'll go after the guy who played Tony Almeida on 24 and pick fights with him.

Costume or Sociopath????

Went down to the San Diego Comic Con a couple weeks ago. It's a great place for people who love dressing up as anime, superheroes, or fantasy characters to walk around in public without fear of getting their asses kicked.

I saw a lot of crazy costumes that straddled the line of good taste. And amongst the stormtroopers and Spidermans, I ran into the guy in the photo below. To be honest, I have no idea what's going through his head. Is he in costume, or is he a sociopath???

So, without further ado, I present to you: COSTUME or SOCIOPATH?

Decision '08

I screwed up royally when I passed up the chance to run against Arnold Schwarzeneggerin the govenor's race a couple years ago.

So to make things right, I'm gonna run against him. The first thing I need to do is figure out when the next gubernatorial race is. Then I gotta put up signs and stuff.

And I'm going to run on platforms that are important to people. Really important. Such as:

1) No talking in the movie theater. This bugs the living hell out of me. A quiet whisper here and there is okay, but come on with the talking everyone. I swear there are times I honestly think I'm going to start trading blows with people because they won't shut up. If elected, I will make it legal to start punching people who talk in theaters. No "Will you please keep it down?" Sucker punches all the way.

2) Much like there's the MPAA to rate movies, there will be a ratings board for commercials with annoying jingles. The board will hear a commercial jingle and rule on how many times a day it get played.

If you've ever heard that jingle for the furniture place that ends with "The only cheaper way is to import it yourself - and you don't know how!" you know exactly what I'm talking about. I have no problems with advertising, but annoying jingles like that got to go. I don't even know what it's an ad for! I just can't stop singing that annoying jingle.

3) Beer will be sold to the very end of sporting events. It's just that simple - there's no reason beer can't be sold till the end of whatever game you're watching. If I go to Acapulco's or Yankee Doodles (just for example), do they cut me off at the 7th inning? Why does Dodger Stadium do the same?

I don't understand this at all - is it that they think people are going to get drunk and crash into each other on their way out? Believe me, if you've ever been to Dodger Stadium, you're not getting out of the parking lot for at least an hour after the end of the game/concert/whatever. And if you've been drinking, good luck even finding your car.

4) I'm sure this has been covered before, but as governor I will enact this in a law - any actress playing a stripper in a movie will be required to have at least 2 fully nude scenes in the film. No exceptions.

5) Credit cards will not be accepted for any purchase under $10. If you don't have $10 on you, go to an ATM. Subsequently, no one will be allowed to buy groceries with a check.

I know that there are people out there thinking "No one does this - no one charges anything under ten bucks, or still holds up the line by paying for groceries with checks! That's absurdity!"

And yet, every single time I'm at the grocery store, someone pulls out the check book. Now, if elected, this will be a two-tiered offense. Yes there will be mandatory jail time for paying with a check. BUT - if you sit there like a vegetable and wait till the groceries are all tallied up to start filling out the check, then I'm sorry, it's jail time with no chance of parole.

That's just a taste of what's in store once elected. I'm sure I'll come up with some more before election time rolls around - but what do you think? What am I forgetting?

The Big Bust Theory

I hate hate hate what I've seen for CBS' new fall sitcom "The Big Bang Theory". If you haven't seen the ads, the show seems to be about 2 nerdy guys who live near a hot chick, and hilarity ensues.

I haven't actually seen the show, but I have seen the ads. And the ads look like the show was written by two high school jocks from a bad 80's movie.

First off, there's a running gag in the ads that the hot chick comes over to use the nerdy guys' shower. One nerdy guy says to the other something about her being turned off by the Luke Skywalker shampoo in the shower. And the first nerdy guy quips back - "Luke Skywalker is the conditioner! Darth Vader is the shampoo!" Hilarious.

I'm not going to get into the specifics that they haven't made Star Wars shampoo in thirty years. What I do want to nitpick is the fact that any nerd worth his salt would never, EVER actually use the Darth Vader shampoo! This is not why "nerds" would buy Star Wars shampoo - no one would buy it thinking that shampoo would give you the perfect Mark Hamill bowl cut sheen! Those shampoo bottles - if they made them - would be collector's items. Practically worthless out of their packaging, let alone sitting in a shower and collecting soap scum and grime.

The other thing that drives me nuts about those ads are the fact that the hot chick walks into their apartment and sees big dry-erase boards filled with equations.

Equations? Really?

It's as if Stan Gable from "Revenge of the Nerds" and any character played by William Zabka sat around the writer's room saying "What else do nerds have lying around the house?" "I know - equations! Nerds love equations, they're always writing those head scratchers down!"

And finally, one of the big "laff-getters" is that whenever the hot chick shows up, the nerds practically run in fear and stutter and stammer whenever they try to talk to her.

See, now "nerds" may not get many chicks, but it's not because they're scared of them. They know how to talk to women, they're just really bad at it. And not bad because they stutter and talk through their noses - they're bad at it because they talk about stuff like "Heroes" and "Family Guy" and what they would've done to make the Star Wars prequels better.

By now you may be asking "How do you know so much about nerds?"

Well, I have a confession. This blog you're reading? It's written by...

A NERD. Don't believe me? Then what say you to this -

"Revenge of the Sith" would've been ten times better if it was revealed that Darth Maul was actually the creature inside the General Greivous armor.

My Dinner With the Monster Squad

*NOTE* - at no point in this blog post do I eat dinner with the cast, crew, or DVD copy of "The Monster Squad"

So for weeks now, I'd read that the 80's cult movie "The Monster Squad" was coming out on DVD. I was determined NOT to buy it. For one, I didn't really like it. Sure the monster designs were amazing - definitely the best designs of the classic Universal monsters since the Jack Pierce originals. But the movie is kinda boring.

Great premise, really good kid actors, fantastic monster designs, bad movie. I think a big reason why the movie doesn't work is that there's just not enough of the monsters to go 'round.

Another reason why I pledged to never buy this movie on DVD was because a few years ago, I bought a bootleg DVD version for $10. So even though the quality was cruddy, I already owned it on DVD. And it's not like I watch it all that much.

But anyhow, last week it came out on DVD. On a lark one day, I thought "Hey, why not just check out the packaging and extras on this new 2 disc version?"

Now, unlike the rest of the Los Angeles/Hollywood/Tinseltown area, the closest DVD/Music store to my house is about a 25 minute drive away. I kid you not - this area used to be lousy with them, but then Tower Records moved in and shut all the other places down. And now Tower is gone, so I have to haul myself all the way across town to even browse at a DVD.

So I drive out to Burbank's Best Buy and look around. No "Monster Squad". Now I feel a little silly - like all the employees there know exactly how far I traveled to look for a DVD of a bad movie which I already own and probably don't want to buy anyways. I laugh at my stupidity, pig out on Panda Express, and head home.

Oh yeah, on my way home I decided to stop by the Media Center Mall in Burbank to check out the Suncoast Video store to see if they had it. Not only did they not have it, but the Suncoast Video Store wasn't even there! How do I miss this store just disappearing on me? Honestly, Suncoast is one of those chains that I've always been 100% surprised to see still in existence. Everything seems to be in a clearance bin, they've got the crappiest junk lining the walls, but they usually have every movie you're looking for. And after about 20 years of assuming they're closing up shop forever, it's actually gone!?! Come on - don't we get a vote in something like that?

But I digress. So I'm on my way back home and, while sitting in traffic in 100 degree heat, I realize just how dumb I truly am - there's a Target about 3 minutes from my house which sells plenty of DVD's, CD's, and just about anything else I can imagine!

So on the way home, I take a slight detour and fight my way through the Target parking garage and up to the DVD section.

Where I see NO "Monster Squad". I don't even see a tag on a shelf advertising where the "Monster Squad" DVD's would be had they gotten them in stock. And to top it off, as I'm about to leave, I run into my neighbor, who is buying diapers and formula for his baby. He asks me what I'm doing there, and have to pretend that I just happened to stroll through the DVD section whilst looking for a new pair of shorts. Because, of course, for some reason my brain's default setting is always switched to "LIAR".

Now, after these two ridiculous trips you might be thinking "I bet he just went home and watched his other copy of Monster Squad, reminded himself of how bad it is, and forgot about his ridiculous mission to track it down." Well sir or madame, you'd be dead wrong.

Now I'm pissed - how dare "Monster Squad" elude me like this! What started as a passing fancy to just browse what the box art and extras are on this DVD has turned into a full fledged War on Terror-esque campaign to find that G-d Damned DVD.

But unlike this Iraq fiasco, I did have an exit strategy. I had to turn to what amounts to a nuclear weapon in the world of buying DVD's - Lazer Blazer over by Pico and Overland.

Lazer Blazer has anything you could possibly imagine that's been released on DVD, Laser Disc, Blu ray, HD-DVD, VHS, Betamax, you name it. There's even a glass case at the front that sells hard to find out of print DVD's. It's a little more pricey, but hey if you want it, you got it.

Since I was going to be near there anyway, I stopped in. I ran over to the new release rack, and wouldn't you know it...

NO FREAKIN' MONSTER SQUAD.

I'm livid at this point. Just what the hell does "Monster Squad" think it's getting away with? At this point, I'm assuming that maybe the movie just didn't come out on DVD at all. that can be the only explanation. No one in their right mind wants to own this and someone, somewhere, woke up and was like "We're not seriously putting this out, are we?"

As I stand in the New Release aisle, I finally admit defeat. I turn to the guy working there and say "Hey, did a DVD for that movie Monster Squad ever come out?" And the worker looks at me like I'm Fat Kid holding a shot gun, and says "Uh, yeah - it's right next to your left hand."

He was right.

So of course I bought it. And I'm pretty sure everyone there was laughing at me. I even think the guy at the counter called the Best Buy, the Target, my neighbor, and the dude who ran the Suncoast store just to rub it in. But I didn't care - I had finally slain my white whale!

Yes, a tad overdramatic.

I finally got home, fed the old copy to my dog, and popped in the new DVD release of "The Monster Squad", written by Shane Black and Fred Dekker, directed by Fred Dekker himself.

And about 4 minutes in to the movie, I turned it off.

What prompted me to write this post?

A friend of mine just e-mailed me today saying "I've looked everywhere for that 'Monster Squad' DVD, but can't find it anywhere!" My response to him?

"Check the Suncoast in Burbank".